The crew goes on an important and mysterious retrieval mission. Bargie reveals an old nickname. Dar and C-53 put their knowledge of Frantaks and Garfons to the test. Nermut updates his personnel file. Featuring: Jeremy Bent as C-53 Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter Allie Kokesh as Dar Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy Winston Noel as C.L.I.N.T.s Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie With special guest Michael Cruz Kayne as Chad Edited by Seth Lind Recorded at Braund Studios by Shane O’Connell Sound Design and Mix by Shane O’Connell Music by Brendan Ryan Additional music by Shane O’Connell Opening Crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz
The crew goes on an important and mysterious retrieval mission. Bargie reveals an old nickname. Dar and C-53 put their knowledge of Frantaks and Garfons to the test. Nermut updates his personnel file.
Featuring:
Jeremy Bent as C-53
Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter
Allie Kokesh as Dar
Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy
Winston Noel as C.L.I.N.T.s
Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie
With special guest Michael Cruz Kayne as Chad
Edited by Seth Lind
Recorded at Braund Studios by Shane O’Connell
Sound Design and Mix by Shane O’Connell
Music by Brendan Ryan
Additional music by Shane O’Connell
Opening Crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley
Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz
DAR: But guessing doesn't punish you in anyway
CHAD: Sure you can guess! Okay, you know what? You juckin’ geniuses can go ahead and guess.
C-53: Was the customer familiar with the chef in some way?
CHAD: No!
PLECK: Was it the sandwich that made him do it?
CHAD: Do you mean the sandwich- was it a sentient sandwich of some kind? No. Biting the sandwich lead to a realization which then lead him to commit suicide.
DAR: This feels like a closed room mystery kind of thing.
CHAD: What's a room?
PLECK: That's a point, we hadn't really thought about that. It's like- imagine this planet but with...
DAR: Walls.
CHAD: Oh walls, sure.
C-53: Imagine four of them touching each other.
PLECK: And then a fifth one right on the top, but you can call it a ceiling
DAR: I mean you can call it a roof like that other riddle..
CHAD: Well roofs, we have roofs a plenty! Look around, it's roofs for days! There's a roof, there's a roof, there's a roof...
DAR: Wait wait wait wait
C-53: There's a lot of sort of open air structures on this planet
DAR: Where do we keep the relic on this planet
CHAD: Excuse me?
DAR: Where's the relic?
CHAD: It's buried in this little roof.
PLECK: Like an enclosed roof?
CHAD: Yeah, you see the roof behind me.
PLECK: I think you're describing a room.
DAR: You are describing a room.
CHAD: Hmmm.. oh, my-
7798: Alright Chad, I know these ambassadors didn't get it but 7798 is here ready to answer the riddle
C-53: Actually we were able to solve their riddle.
7798: What?
PLECK: Yeah, we're pretty..
7798: Wait, what?
DAR: We're on number four right now.
7798: What was the answer?
PLECK: It was the-
7798: No, no, no, no! Don't tell me.
C-53: The answer is you're the same age as you were when you started piloting the ship.
7798: I. No. I refuse.
C-53: Why would your age change regardless of how many people exitted or entered the ship?
7798: Ugh, I feel like it would though, wouldn't it?
C-53: No, it's a classic misdirection.
PLECK: Almost definitely not, yet.
7798: Seems like it almost would.
PLECK: No, I don't think it does.
C-53: No.
7798: Huh.
DAR: See, he was so close to getting it! He's the riddle guy
PLECK: Hm
7798: Ambassador Decksetter, a word please?
PLECK: Sure, can I? I'll just be right back
CHAD: Oh yeah no problem I guess I'll just stand over here twiddling my t-t-tan..talls.
7798: Ambassador Decksetter I'm gonna blow this planet up it's starting to really bug me. I feel like an idiot. Nah, I feel like an idiot. That first one made me feel like an idiot? And I'm gonna call an airstrike and blow this thing into dust. Let the Council of Seven sort em out, baby.
PLECK: No no no no no, that's not necessary.
C-53: How would they sort them out after you blew everything up? Would the Council of Seven come down to the planet and sort the bits of all the things that were destroyed?
7798: You question the Council of Seven?
C-53: No, absolutely not.
CL: Because that's a riddle you don't wanna know the answer to.
C-53: Well we do know the answer to, we don't wanna question the Council of Seven.
7798: Yeah, right. That's why I'm the riddle guy.
PLECK: You're a real riddle guy.
7798: Yeah, I'm a real real riddle guy.
PLECK: Listen, I think as ambassadors we're just here to kinda ease it through these riddles and I think we're gonna do okay, so just give us a few minutes we'll see if it works out.
7798: But if it doesn't you can bet that I will be answering a riddle but my questions will be...
PLECK: Bombs?
7798: Nucleoid bombs.
PLECK: Oh sure, yeah.
CHAD: I'm sorry, what's going on over there?
PLECK: Uh, we're just looking at these roofs.
CHAD: Okay.
DAR: So I have a question then for you.
CHAD: Yeah shoot go ahead.
DAR: You have three tentals?
CHAD: Yeah.
DAR: And you can..
CHAD: Twiddle?
DAR: Twiddle them?
CHAD: Yeah sure watch
C-53: That's a three way twiddle.
DAR: But all three of them are sex organs.
CHAD: Oh yeah.
DAR: All operating?
CHAD: Oh yeah.
DAR: Two of them aren't just for show?
CHAD: Listen buddy I just wanna be friends, at most. That's as far as you go. This happens a lot? This is one of the reasons people don't get through all of the riddles at some point, it's like now they're obsessed with me.
DAR: They fall in love with you?
CHAD: Well it's more like a...
DAR: A lust.
CHAD: You got it.
DAR: I'll be honest?
CHAD: Yeah.
DAR: I am curious about it and I'd like to know what it's like.
CHAD: Mm-hmm.
DAR: But there's nothing here.
CHAD: Yeah but I know... it's fine.
DAR: You think that I'm just protecting myself.
CHAD: I think your mom's protecting yourself, whoops.
DAR: Okay you know what? That one was good. That was the first good one.
CHAD: Thank you so much. The other ones were also good.
C-53: I am formulating a question about your riddle. Is your Tellurian secretly a garfon?
CHAD: Wow, good question. No.
C-53: I was really sure about that one
CHAD: What's that paradox when you keep getting closer to the thing but you never get to the thing?
PLECK: The A-51 paradox.
CHAD: Yep, that's it. A-51. This is a real A-51.
DAR: Hm.
PLECK: I have a question?
CHAD: Mm-hmm.
PLECK: How was the sandwich prepared?
CHAD: How was it prepared? Irrelevant.
PLECK: Oh. I was thinking of a garfon breast breaded and fried.
CHAD: No it's more like-
DAR: You know what Pleck? I was imagining the same exact sandwich.
CHAD: Oo you two got some kinda heat there?
PLECK/DAR: No no no no no...
C-53: I can answer now.
CHAD: Okay listen here's the deal.
DAR: Okay.
CHAD: Once upon a time, two tellurians were stranded on a planet with nothing to eat but a garfon. The garfon's only enough to feed one of them. And besides the garfon is their dead friend, another Tellurians
DAR: So three Tellurian bodies?
CHAD: Well two living Tellurians.
C-53: Two living Tellurians.
DAR: Three.. bodies.
CHAD: A dead Tellurian and a garfon. Three bodies, okay I guess I screwed it up and there's three bodies. Are you happy now? I'm a big idiot.
DAR: Wow, you're saying there's nothing here? But this seems like a lot of unnecessary attention.
CHAD: Hahaha, okay, your mom- it doesn't matter. So.
PLECK: So two living Tellurians, one dead Tellurian, and one garfon.
CHAD: And they're stranded, okay?
PLECK: Wait a second, is this relevant to the riddle or is it a different riddle?
CHAD: You dummy I'm explaining the riddle. I can't leave this planet until someone gets the riddle and I don't wanna be on this planet anymore.
PLECK: Yeah no I get it.
CHAD: I don't want to be here anymore.
DAR: Where do you wanna be?
CHAD: Any place. There are no summers here, not one summer. None!
DAR: This place is kind of a bummer.
C-53: You've been here for 400 years.
CHAD: I've been guarding this relic for 400 years and have never once left this planet.
C-53: Could explain why you're so pale.
CHAD: Yes.
PLECK: Oh is that not normal for whatever you are?
CHAD: Excuse me?
DAR: Ooo. Whatever you are?
CHAD: Excuse me?
C-53: Ambassador Decksetter...
PLECK: I'm sorry, your species.
CHAD: Normally we are opaque but I'm virtually translucent.
PLECK: Yeah.
CHAD: It's not natural.
PLECK: Oh, sorry.
CHAD: Not as sorry as I am, not as sorry as your mom was.
PLECK: Okay.
DAR: Hahahaha! okay!
PLECK: That's true.
CHAD: Ooops..
C-53: Hahaha!
CHAD: Listen, I'm going to explain the riddle to you and all you have to do is say it back to me and you can have the relic, you understand?
PLECK: Great.
CHAD: That'll be the deal.
C-53: I will stay out of your way.
CHAD: So you got two Tellurians that are alive, one dead Tellurian, and a garfon.
PLECK: They can't split the garfon?
CHAD: Listen man I wasn't there at the time.
7799: It seems like there would be enough for both.
CHAD: Who the juck asked you to come in here?
7799: I just wanna know what happens.
CHAD: There's two Tellurians, one of them- okay, so how far did I get?
DAR: They were fighting over who gets to eat-
CHAD: Okay there's a garfon, they can't split the thing I don't know why, I wasn't there at the time okay?
7799: So wait are two of them dead, and one is alive?
CHAD: Mother of-
C-53: No, one is dead, two are alive.
7799: Oh okay.
DAR: 7797 you are not a part of this right now.
7799: 7797 is transmitting from space.
DAR: Oh, I'm so sorry. 7798?
7799: I'm 7799.
CHAD: Listen to me, I wanna get gone. Two alive, one's a dead one and a garfon.
7799: How big of a garfon?
CHAD: I dunno, regular size I guess! It's a regular sized garfon. Don't ask a follow up- don't follow up!
7799: So there's two dead Tellurians-
PLECK: Two dead Tellurians.
7799: And one alive
DAR: No, one dead Tellurian!
CHAD: Mother... listen.
C-53: I believe I have solved the riddle.
CHAD: Oh my word, what do you think the riddle is, droid?
C-53: So there are two living Tellurians and one dead Tellurian and a garfon. The two living Tellurians agree that one must eat the garfon and one must eat the dead Tellurian to survive until they are rescued. So, they agree that one Tellurian will prepare food, and the other one will not be the wiser whether he has eaten tellurian or garfon. He eats the meal prepared by the other Tellurian and then after they are rescued decides, perhaps I should find out what a garfon tastes like. Goes to a restaurant, orders a garfon sandwich, eats it, discovers he was the one who ate the Tellurian and decides, I can't live with the idea that I've eaten another of my species and casts himself into space.
CHAD: You have unlocked the relic.
[Dar gasps]
PLECK: Hey good job C-53!
C-53: There's still a lot of holes in this riddle I wish to discuss.
CHAD: Doesn't matter, couldn't matter less.
PLECK: They should have split the garfon, straight up.
CHAD: Could not matter less, couldn't matter less.
C-53: Why would they not have shared the responsibility of eating the Tellurian?
CHAD: Leave!
C-53: Also how would he not know what a garfon tastes like?
CHAD: Shut up! God! Shut it!
[Chad begins to strangle C-53]
C-53: I cannot be choked. This.. wrapping your hands around my neck serves no purpose.
CHAD: Sorry, I'm a little amped up. I'm going to tell you what it is before you go in there, just so you're not surprised
C-53: Very well.
CHAD: It's a big hot bean.
C-53: You're telling me about it but I'm still surprised.
CHAD: You've seen beans before, right?
C-53: Surely, yes.
CHAD: Okay well this one's super hot.
C-53: How big?
CHAD: Okay so imagine a regular bean?
C-53: Got it.
CHAD: Bout four times as big as that.
C-53: That's large.
CHAD: And it's crazy hot.
PLECK: Do you mean like spicy?
CHAD: No, no, not spicy. Like hot.
DAR: Like to the touch?
CHAD: Ohh yeah don't touch it, he can touch it cause he's a droid. Big hot bean.
DAR: That you've been guarding for four hundred years?
CHAD: That's right for four hundred years I've been-
C-53: Are you sure the bean is still as hot as it was when it was put in there four hundred-
CHAD: I mean, I can't make any promises they don't let me peek under the roof.
C-53: Fair enough.
CHAD: When I put it there it was a spicy hot bean. I shouldn't have said spicy. I shouldn't have said it, it's just the first word that came to my mind when I thought of hot, but it's not spicy. The droid can enter.
C-53: Very well.
DAR: Okay so, stroll right into that roof.
[C-53 retrieves the bean]
C-53: Um. The bean is... still fairly warm.
PLECK: How warm?
C-53: About 140 degrees.
PLECK: Oh, so I could hold it then.
C-53: Yeah, it wouldn't burn you.
PLECK: Can I hold it?
C-53: Yeah.
[Pleck picks up the bean]
PLECK: Huh. Yeah, warm. Dar?
[Pleck hands Dar the bean]
DAR: So.. okay great thank you. Haha.
CHAD: Listen you got the bean, I'm getting out of here. I'm going to someplace where it's summer all the time baby.
7798: Okay this is over, riddle time is over
PLECK: We did it! Great, yeah well we-
C-53: 7798 we were able to acquire the relic. It is a... rather warm bean...
7798: But you didn't answer all the riddles, did you?
C-53: We actually did answer all the-
7798: You cheated. You cheated.
PLECK: That's not..
C-53: No..
7798: No, juck this! Juck this and juck you, Chad!
CHAD: Juck your mom.
7798: No! Your mom, Chad! Your mom! I'm calling in an orbital bombardment on this planet immediately.
C-53: No, no, don't do that.
PLECK: We are all still here.
7798: Game over, man!
PLECK: Uh..
DAR: The game is over though, we..
7798: No I'm saying the games over.
C-53: I'm holding the relic.
7798: The game is done, Chad. you will stay on this planet.
CHAD: What do you mean? Once someone has the bean I can leave. Those are the rules of my confinement.
7798: The rules have changed, Chad. Try to make me look like an idiot, I'm the smart one! All the rest of these guys have these faces that are so..
PLECK: You should probably keep your voice down on that cause people..
7798: I don't care, we're all gonna be dead in a few minutes anyway.
PLECK: What!?
DAR: Wait, you're gonna be on the planet when it's destroyed?
7798: Yeah of course.
C-53: No no no...
7798: What?
DAR: What do you mean of course?
C-53: An orbital bombardment, you should be in orbit when you bombard the planet.
7798: No, it's our duty to go down with the planet.
PLECK: Is that true?
CHAD: Okay, I'm gonna try and jerk these tantals one last time before they blow me to smithereens.
C-53: Ambassador Decksetter I suggest we do an immediate evacuation of this planet.
PLECK: Yeah that's.. listen, man
7798: I'm also gonna stick around cause I wanna.. what's the second riddle? What is that again? I feel like I can get it.
C-53: Imagine an A-frame house. You know a house?
7798: I don't..
PLECK: A frantak lays an egg.
7798: The house is a riddle?
DAR: Yes.
CHAD: You guys don't wanna be around when this comes to it's finish, gonna shoot out a buncha spicy sauce.
DAR: Just...
7798: The house is a riddle, huh.
PLECK: You know what? We're gonna go
DAR: You're gonna get it though.. Barge?
PLECK: Barige?
BARGIE: Yeah?
PLECK: Hey listen can we get a real hasty exit here
BARGIE: Uh just a reminder, unfortunately there's that restraining order so I can't technically touch the ground
7798: So it's an a-frame roof
DAR: I mean Barge they're pretty distracted
7798:Maybe if I draw it..
BARGIE: I'll just land, I'll just land.
PLECK: Yeah.
C-53: I think that's best
7798: So the egg hits here..
DAR: Yep.
CHAD: [Chad… ejaculates?] Huuuuahaghgahgah Oh boy.
7798: Which way does it break?
CHAD: Oh dear.
7798: Has to go down one side or the other..
PLECK: Yep.
7798: And I know that it’s a garfon or a florak..
PLECK: Hey Chad?
DAR: You wanna just hop on?
PLECK: Yeah we can give you a ride
DAR: Just pop right on
CHAD: No no no I don't want anyone to touch me. My tentals are retracted, this is not a time when I wanna be touched.
C-53: Okay, I believe we're all aboard Bargie if you wish to leave this planet.
BARGIE: Alright, toot toot toot!
PLECK: Chad, thank you
CHAD: Fare thee well.
7798: Okay maybe I get it now..
DAR: They don't lay eggs! They don't lay eggs!
PLECK: Bye!
[music]
ROLPHUS TIDDLE: Rebel leader Rolphus Tiddle with a very important message. Support for the rebellion comes from Warby parker. I remember missing an entire raid against the Federated Alliance because I had to travel two systems away to go to a glasses store! Not anymore. With Warby Parker's home try on program you can order five pairs of glasses online. Try them on for five days and there's no obligation to buy. Head to warby parker.com/zyxx. Z-Y-X-X to order your free try ons today. Honestly, as I record this, I am wearing crane frames in whiskey tortoise. And I'm getting tons of compliments from all the other rebels. Glasses start at just ninety five dollars including prescription lenses plus for every pair you buy a pair is distributed for someone in need. And here's a tip, after you order your home trial kit at warbyparker.com/zyxx download the Warby Parker app from the itunes app store. It lets you take photos wearing all the frames, make a video, and share with your friends to help you pick out the best pair. Nice! Friends are great! Rolphus Tiddle…
[music]
PLECK: Alright Bargie you probably should make a pretty quick get away here. Let's call up Nermut, let him know we got the relic, right?
C-53: Establishing communications with Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy
[Transmission begins]
PLECK: Hey Nermut!
NERMUT: Hello.
PLECK: Well Nermut I got good news and bad news.
NERMUT: Well you should always start with the good news so-
[Explosions]
NERMUT: What...
C-53: That is the bad news Ambassador Decksetter mentioned.
NERMUT: Wait a second you were sent there to get the relic, you blew up the planet!?
C-53: No no no, the C.L.I.N.T.s blew up the planet.
NERMUT: What!?
C-53: But Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, I am happy to report we have obtained the relic!
NERMUT: Thank goodness. Alright, I'm so excited. I've been trying to crack the code on these redacted documents for the whole day and I can't do it and what is it-
C-53: Well, you're looking at it.
NERMUT: Can you please just show me the relic? I know I technically wasn't supposed to know what it is.
PLECK: Nermut I hate to break it to you-
C-53: Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Budnaloy this is the relic.
DAR: Yeah this is the relic.
C-53: It is this large hot bean.
PLECK: Warm.
DAR: It's warm.
C-53: Warm bean.
NERMUT: Wha-
DAR: We had to answer riddles to get this relic.
NERMUT: A warm bean?
BARGIE: Are we all talking about the holograms mans two inch thingy?
PLECK: No we're kinda past this but I'm glad you brought it up again
DAR: Oh Barge, I would like to revisit, you are right.
BARGIE: I need to know...
NERMUT: We're not talking about that.
C-53: Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy, I've been thinking about your genitalia-
NERMUT: What!?
C-53: When you experience a state of arousal, do you experience any dizziness or nausea?
NERMUT: Yeah of course both.
C-53: I expected the resulting loss of blood would cause you some sort of discomfort.
NERMUT: Come on, you just saying because so much blood has to drain from my body because it's 19 inches tall.
C-53: You're very small.
DAR: Yeah.
NERMUT: I'm not!
BARGIE: Would you call it a warm bean?
[Nermut sighs]
DAR: What would you call it?
NERMUT: I wouldn't call it.
C-53: Has anyone called it a warm bean?
NERMUT: No!
BARGIE: Did he call it a warm bean?
NERMUT: No! No one has ever said the words warm bean until this relic was-
BARGIE: I'm gonna call it a warm bean.
NERMUT: Why do you have to call it anything?
DAR: Me too, Nermut.
BARGIE: Can you put that into his files?
NERMUT: Absolutely-
C-53: Updating file.
NERMUT: No, how is that something you can update and you can't say I'm doing a good job?
PLECK: That's subjective.
C-53: Whether you're doing your job is subjective.
BARGIE: Listen hologram man it's your own relic, be proud, be happy, you have a warm bean! Huh?
PLECK: Well said.
DAR: Yes.
NERMUT: A, we're not going to refer to my genitalia. And B if we do it's not a warm bean!
DAR: What is it then?
NERMUT: It's num-num
C-53: You can call it your- I'm sorry, say that again?
DAR: It's Num-Num!?
NERMUT: No, we don't have to- nothing!
C-53: Num-num?
NERMUT: It's not...
C-53: Updating file.
DAR: Thank you C.
C-53: You're welcome.
PLECK: What is num-num?
NERMUT: It's a nickname!
PLECK: What's the nickname for your genitals?
DAR: Self given?
NERMUT: What? Of course! Come on guys, you don't have one?
PLECK: You know what mine is?
NERMUT: What?
PLECK: The Rangus Dangus.
[outro music]
C-RED-IT5: C-RED-IT5 credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol.
Ambassador Pleck Decksetter was played by Alden Ford
C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent
Security Officer Dar was played by Allie Kokesh
Bargie the Ship was played by Moujan Zolfaghari
Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind
C.L.I.N.T.s were played by Winston Noel
Riddle Master Chad was played by special guest Michael Cruz Kayne who has been seen on Crashing, The Chris Gethard Show, and at SXSW. He's currently writing for an animated children show on Netflix. Look for him around New York [unintelligble], an on twitter and instagram @mjckayme
Mission to Zyxx is recorded at Braund Studios in Greenwood, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O’Connell
This episode edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell
Music by Brendan Ryan
Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley
Ship design for the Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz
Mission to Zyxx is brought to this galaxy by AudioBoom. Thanks, AudioBoom!
Have you noticed a critical error in our canon? Send an email to crew@missiontozyxx.space