Mission To Zyxx

309: Jan with a Van [ft. Morgan Grace Jarrett]

Episode Summary

The crew heads to an unusual planet in search of a powerful oracle. Bargie gets back out there. Dar’s pregnancy raises new questions. AJ sets a bad example.

Episode Notes

The crew head to an unusual planet in search of a powerful oracle. Bargie gets back out there. Dar’s pregnancy raises new questions. AJ sets a bad example.

Jeremy Bent as C-53
Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter
Allie Kokesh as Dar
Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy, Philip and Josh
Winston Noel as AJ, Sam and Jeremy
Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie, Hailee and Toad

With special guest Morgan Jarrett as Jan

Edited by Jeremy Bent
Recording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell
Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME’s Macedonian Symphony Orchestra
Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley
Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz
Audio hosting by Simplecast

Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.

Episode Transcription

[dramatic music begins]

Narrator: It is a time of fear and unrest, Emperor Nermut Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist. And also a planet crusher... crusher. Now, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx!

[main theme plays and fades out]

 

[AJ's tube groans]

C-53: AJ, I’ve been meaning to ask, are you reading more?

AJ: Yeah, I love it so much. Now that I learned how to read, I'm reading all the time

C-53: What have you been enjoying?

AJ: You know, the great books. I’m really into the classics right now. Pat the Garfon, Goodnight Forest Moon, Peter [blows raspberry], you know where he goes and he tries to steal some of the kumquats from the farmer McGregor. You know, just classics like that

C-53: So, these are- you’re reading children's books

AJ: Well I guess if you consider One Gerp Two Gerp Red Gerp Blue Gerp a children's book then yeah, I'm reading children's books

Pleck: I mean, C-53, he is only 5 years old

C-53: Yeah, I don't wanna belittle him for reading what are considered quality children's books, but these are for children

Pleck: Sure, classics

C-53: These are for children

Bargie: Hey. Hey, who's free? Who’s free right now?

Pleck: I'm pretty free Bargie, what do you need?

Bargie: Alright great I need help with a self tape for an audition

Pleck: Wait, what?

C-53: Bargie, really?

Bargie: Yeah, I’ll print out the sides, you read the part of Horny Doctor

[beeping and printing noises]

Pleck: No- [stammering] Bargie, I thought you were on the lam! You can't be auditioning for anything!

Bargie: I think I'm ready to go back

Pleck: The last time I talked to you, you were actively avoiding scrutiny from anyone

Bargie: The thing is, it's been enough time, OK? I've spent way too much time dealing with being the criminal, with all the things I've done, you know? Feeling ashamed and bad and sad- I’m ready. I'm ready for my comeback tour.

AJ: But you never apologized at all

Bargie: Fine, that's good, it's my apology tour. My tour of all the places where I can audition

C-53: You're only touring places where you can audition for holos?

Bargie: Yeah, yeah

Pleck: Bargie, part of redemption you know is being proactive about making the things that you did better

Bargie: Definitely, 100%. anyway, Horny Doctor’s first line.

AJ: Yeah I'll do it

[papers rustling, camera beep]

C-53: I’m taping

AJ: Ch-, change. the gooze

Pleck: No-

AJ: Change the goo-az, Nurse

C-53 and Pleck: Gauze

AJ: I knew it, I knew it

Pleck: AJ, I thought you could read.

AJ: I can read, I'm reading. how's this not reading?

Dar: [higher pitched, from another room] Is there a horny doctor here? On the ship? I need to see a doctor

Pleck: Dar, come out of your room. What's going on?

Dar: Well uh, could you just send the horny doctor in here so they can examine me?

Pleck: No it's an audition, Dar, there's no doctor on the ship

AJ: It's gauze? it doesn't look like it’s gauze

C-53: It's just one of the intricacies of the language

Dar: It sounds like there was a horny doctor

Bargie: I haven't even said my line yet!

C-53: Dar, I don’t know what’s going on in there but the Midnight Shadow comes equipped with some pretty high-end first aid subroutines should you need any medical attention

Dar: Well...

[door opens, Dar steps out]

Pleck: Woah! Wow

AJ: Wow

C-53: Wow, I don't have a subroutine for this

Pleck: Dar, what- I’m sorry, this is probably super normal that your head is so small and your body is so large

Dar: [voice higher pitched] No, no this is not normal. This is too soon. I'm not fully into the 5th octomester and I shouldn't look like this. The books [laughs] the books don't say this!

Pleck: Dar, are you ok? I mean do you feel alright?

Dar: I mean, everything still feels fine. It just feels like my body moved on a little too quickly, like I -

Bargie: Alright none of these are lines that Horny Doctor is saying, so this is not helping me

Pleck: I’m sorry! AJ, I'll do it

C-53: Bargie, we apologize but-

AJ: Sure, I’ll- ok alright

Pleck: [clears throat] Change the gauze on that hatch or I'll do it for you

Bargie: Don't worry about it, Horn-Doc, I've killed too many people in my time.

Pleck: You've killed people, but you've brought me to life right here

[pause beep]

C-53: Bargie, what kind of holo is this

Pleck: I don't know if I like this, Bargie

Bargie: I don’t know

C-53: This is pretty horny

Pleck [laughs] I mean I just read what's on the page

Bargie: It was only one line, so

C-53: Oh that was it

Bargie, thank you, sending it now boop-boop-boop! oh I have to [?] Hi, it's Bargarean Jade, you know what I did. Uh, but I'm back!

C : Bargie, we still don't know what you did

[beep as it sends]

Bargie: Alright, moving along.

C: Ok, alright.

[incoming transmission beep]

C-53: Papa Decksetter, we have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy

[transmission opens]

Nermut: Hey guys!

Pleck: Hey, Nermut! You're inside!

Dar: Yeah that doesn't look like your nest

Nermut: Yeah, yeah this is the parents’ house, I’m helping them reset the router

Nermut's mom: Nermut? Are you gonna finish your vegetables?

Nermut: No, mom, I’m working I told-

Nermut's mom: Do you know how important it is to eat your vegetables?

Nermut: Do you know how important it is to take down the emperor?

Nermut’s Dad: Nermut do you have the router working again?

Nermut: I had to pause on that for one second because I have to assign a mission. Remember I'm a missions operations manager of the Master level?

Nermut’s mom: Nermut, the internet doesn't work

[Nermut sighs]

Pleck: Nermut you can finish rebooting the router and call us back

Nermut: No no no-

Nermut's dad: I'm trying to stream a program Nermut

Nermut: Can you wait one minute? I have the mission–

Nermut's mom: How do I make this picture on my phone bigger?

Nermut: You literally move your fingers apart

Nermut's mom: I don't get it

Nermut: No you- you spread your fingers apart

Nermut's mom: [ sounds of confusion]

Nermut's dad: Well thats what she’s been doing but it’s not working

Nermut: She's not touching the phone! She's near the phone

Nermut's dad: She's moving her fingers apart

Nermut: While touching the screen!

Nermut's mom: I don’t- I don’t get it

Pleck: Nermut you need to stop calling us when you have other shit happening

Nermut: [frantic] No no no I told them that I needed a break from chores!

Pleck: Just- Then wait 'til the break has started

Nermut: [exasperated] I did! Guys. I have a mission

AJ: [crushing a can] Mission time

Nermut: Like the enthusiasm AJ

AJ: Lock and load [cocks blaster as it powers up]

Nermut: Alright, I’ve been looking through the list of dissidents that we got during the wedding, and one of the names stood out

Pleck and C-53: Ok

Nermut: Yahn.

Pleck: Uhh

Nermut: Yahn is an oracle

C-53: Ooh, now that is interesting

Nermut: Yahn is probably the most powerful entity on this list of dissidents. This is the first place that we should go to attract incredibly powerful support in our quest to take on the emperor!

Pleck: But, Nermut. What do you mean oracle?

AJ: You mean like a hole?

Pleck/Nermut/C-53: [simultaneously] what?

AJ: Isn't an oracle a hole in the ground?

Nermut: you're just- you're thinking of a hole

[someone chuckles]

AJ: Huh. Alright. I'm gonna check it out, I'm pretty sure it might be

[footsteps and a door opening]

C-53: Yeah get back to us

Nermut: Look that up

Pleck: He just walked into the cargo bay

C-53: Papa Decksetter, an oracle is somebody with precognitive abilities. They could potentially give us future information about the emperor, they could help us in ways we don’t even fully understand yet!

Nermut: An ancient source of information and knowledge!

[Dar’s regular sized footsteps approach]

Dar: Orrrr maybe they could help us understand why my head is so small and my body is so big

Nermut: [Simultaneously] WOAAH Dar!

Dar: [laughing] And I’m not actually supposed to be in my 5th octomester yet

Nermut: What?? What?

Pleck: Yeah, somethings going on with Dar

Nermut: [stammering] What- we gotta- yeah, we'll ask the oracle- Dar are you OK? Is the baby OK?

[Nermut starts crumpling and rustling paper]

Pleck: Nermut put that book down, you don't need to make a nest right now

C-53: Nermut, you gotta focus

Nermut: Alright, I'm tearing it up. tearing it up

Nermut's mom: Nermut, Nermut no

Nermut's Dad: That is a first edition copy of One gerp Two Gerp, Red Gerp, Blue Gerp

Nermut's mom: I used to read that to you!

Nermut: I need to nest! guys, sending the coordinates to Keerkland

Pleck: Keer-kland?

Nermut: The home of Yahn

Pleck: Thank you Nermut

Nermut: Dar, stay strong!

Dar: I'm always strong

Nermut's dad: Nermut if I want to send this picture as an attachment-

Pleck: C-53 You gotta disconnect the call

Nermut [simultaneously, frustrated]: Click the paperclip icon

C-53: Yep, disconnecting

[door opens]

AJ: I was thinking orifice. That's what I was thinking

[Pleck and C-53 laugh]

 

[transition music plays, then fizzles out into interference]

 

[A Clint can be heard in the background repeating 'mop down on the ground' to himself]

 

Head Toady Bordoff: Tidings your immeasurable wackness, Head toady Bordoff here, with good news! And some bad, but first the good. My imperial shuttle is fueled and spotless. Ready to transport a brigade to mop up after our wicked trap undoubtedly eliminates that meddling crew of interlopers in the Zyxx quadrant. For the bad news, well... it seems that our enemies on the fresh side are equipped with socks of higher quality than we imagined possible. They're called Bombas, you see. And they are designed to be the most comfortable socks in the history of feet. Which is uhh- hang on.

[types something]

Bordoff: Huh my calculator doesn't even go that high. Anyways. Lots of years of feet. And the problem is, you see, Bombas are made from super soft natural cotton and then every pair comes with arch support, a seamless toe, and a cushioned footbed that's comfy but not too thick. I know, I know. We need them. Do not worry, your gnarliness, I will gain us access to these powerful socks.

If only one could buy them today at Bombas.com/zyxx or something. And get 20% off your first order. That would be perfect. I would totally go to bombas.com/zyxx Z-Y-X-X for 20% off these incredible socks. Wait… no… for every purchase of Bombas they donate a pair to someone in need? That's not wack, that's completely fresh! [ slams table]

 

[transition music continues]

 

C-53: Hmm, I guess not what I expected out of a planet that's home to an oracle.

Pleck: I feel like most of our you know, we usually land in a capital city or something but this spaceport sorta seems to be in a residential area

Child: Hey are you guys here for soccer or what?

Second Child: Are you here to pick us up?

Pleck: Uh, pick- no no no

Child 1: We've been waiting, she hasn't picked us up yet

Child 2: No one picked us up!

Child 3: I scored a goal!

Pelck: Oh, congratulations

Dar: Congrats

Child 3: Thanks

C-53: Good for you

Pleck: I’m sorry, is there someone uhh

C-53: Yeah, is there an adult around that we could speak to?

[car horn honking]

 

Jan: [muffled] Hey! Get. in. the. car. [less muffled as door slides open] get in the car, what are you doing talking to strangers?

Child 1: Mom, you're late! you said you were gonna pick us up at 4:30 and it's literally like 4:44

Child 3: Literally!

Jan: Ok listen I cannot keep track of the time, ok? My bit fit broke if you must know. You want to know who broke it? Guess. guess who broke it

Child 3: Danielle?

Child 1: Todd?

Jan: Both of them broke it. Both of them. Danielle broke it, Todd flushed it down the toilet. listen, get in the car, stop talking to strangers

Pleck: Sorry miss, it looks like you're very busy

C-53: Ma'am we did not mean to uh-

Jan: What, you mean to almost kidnap my kids?

Dar: Oh, no, we would never. We hate children we would never wanna kidnap them

Jan: Well welcome to the club

[car door slides closed]

Pleck: Well, uh, I just have a quick question. There doesn't seem to be any sort of official in this spaceport, we're looking for the oracle

Jan: Yeah, I'm the Oracle. I’m Jan

Pleck: Jan, we're actually looking for Yahn

C-53: [simultaneously] I think we're looking for Yahn

Jan: It's just Jan. I'm Jan, I'm an oracle, and these are my kids. These are all my children

Baby: Momma? Momma I gotta go pee

Jan: Ok umm, just go in your diaper. Its fine, just forget the potty-training thing we've been working on, just go

Pleck: Sorry Jan, you are the oracle on the planet

[phone rings, the ringtone is a variation of the main theme in the style of the iPhone marimba ringtone]

Jan: [unzipping something to answer the phone] Yeah that's me! ok, I got a lot going on

Pleck: I thought it was Yahn, how is it spelled?

Jan: Uhh, J-A-N

PLeck: Ah that seems like a Nermut misconception yeah

C-53: And the planet?

Dar: Yeah, could you pronounce the planet's name

Jan: Kirkland?

C-53: Ok yeah, we heard keerkland. That seemed weird

Jan: No, it’s just Kirkland

Jeremy: Mom, what are you doing here?

Jan: [exasperated] what?

Jeremy: What are you doing here, I'm trying to be at the- I’m at the spaceport. Just hanging out with my friends

Jan: Jeremy.

Jeremy: what!

Jan: Jeremy. Take off those sunglasses immediately

Jeremy: Ugh! No!

Jan: Take off- those are not yours, take them off right now

[Jeremy groaning]

Pleck: Listen Jan, I'm sorry. We actually are here to speak to the oracle- it looks like you're pretty busy should we come back?

[Jan's phone rings again]

Jan: Uhh, when would be a less busy time for me you tell me. I have 9 million children

Hayley: [far away] Mom! Mom

C-53: Oh, wow that is a lot

Jan: Yes, what? Mom’s here

Hayley: Sorry I ran over from the other part of town, euh- auhh Phillip and I are getting a divorce

Jan: Oh my-

Hayley: [crying] And I- it's like is it me? Is it- is it him? it's me it’s me, right? Mom, tell me

Jan: No. no, listen Hayley?

Hayley: Yeah?

[Jan's phone rings again]

Jan: It is not you, because you-

[Jan is cut off by one of her children through the phone]

Phillip: Mom, Mom it's me Phillip. Hayley and I are getting a divorce

Jan: Phillip?

Phillip: Yeah

Jan: [softer] Phillip...

Phillip: Yeah

Jan: It's not Hayley

Hayley: [crying] Yeah, thank you mom

Phillip: What?

Jan: Phillip you've always been difficult, just like,     

C-53: Jan these are also your kids?

Jan: Yeah

Dar: That are married to each other

Jan: Well, you know

Dar: I suppose on a planet of 9 million of your children that's to be expected

Phillip: Yeah, married for now until Hayley ditches me!

Hayley: Mom I already have a divorce lawyer, Sam is doing it

Sam: [walking up] Hello mother

Jan: Hi Sam

Dar: Wait, that decrepit old lawyer is your son?

Sam: It's been a while

Phillip: Hey, that's my brother you're talking about!

Hayley: That's my divorce lawyer and my brother!

Dar: [stammering] It's just that Jan looks amazing and ethereal and you look like a broom

Jan: Well, he looks like a very well-polished broom

C-53: I don't know if that's a compliment

Phillip: That broom passed the bar!

Pleck: I’m sorry Jan, we should probably go and come back, I feel like you're right in the middle-

Sam: Oh, don't worry she won’t have time for you, she never has time

Jan: Ok, oh, well

C-53: Wow, that's hurtful

Dar: That's your mother!

Jan: That hurts my feelings, but you know what I can only do what I can do [laughs] I only have so many hands

[baby starts crying]

Jan: Oh, yes, yes, ok. And here's a bottle

[roots around in a bag]

Jan: -of stardust

Pleck: Can um- ok if we can't go can we help you at all? Is there anything we can do to–

C-53: Jan, you seem very busy, is there a way we could help out?

Jan: Yeah, uh actually thank you. Yeah! That'd be great

AJ: You want us to take out some of these kids or?

C-53: AJ. That can't be the first thing

Pleck: AJ! why would tha- why is that the first thing you think of

AJ: What, I’m locked and loaded let's do this!

[cocks blaster as it powers up]

Jan: Oh! no, can you put that away actually? I don't want any of my children to have any visuals of guns, I don't even allow-

Child: Mom, mom! look at this picture I drew of that gun I just saw! Isn't it cool? it looks just like it pew pew pew!

C-53: Oh, this is where it starts

Jan: Uh Jeremy!

Jeremy: What?

Jan: Get that cigarette out of your mouth right this second

Dar: [gasps] He ate it! he ate the cigarette

Jan: I was gonna make him eat it as a form of punishment but he enjoyed it

Sam: Oh, be careful, she'll lord that over you for the rest of your life

Jan: Ok

Pleck: Oh, you used to smoke?

Sam: ... I did

Dar: Oh, that's why you look like a broom

Jan: Uh you guys can help me, listen here's the list [unzips bag and pulls out paper]

C-53: We would love to-- oh wow that’s-

Jan: I need you to go to the grocery store, just get everything on this list. I'm doing some crockpot meals

C-53: That's a long list

Jan: And some freezer meals, some meal planning, and I don’t think I’m gonna have time to get to the grocery store

[Jan's phone rings, she declines the call]

C-53: We can take care of that

Pleck: Ok yeah!

C-53: Jan, we heard that you were an oracle, so you can see the future?

Jan: Yes, I am, oh I mean I know everything

Dar: Could you tell me then why my head is so small but my body is so big?

Jan: Umm you know I'm just so tired is the thing. I'm just, I know everything I see everything but I am exhausted

Dar: And I understand, I'm a new um,

Pleck: They're expecting

Jan: Oh! congratulations! It's the best time of your life, are you glowing?

Dar: No, I'm actually freaking out because my head is so small and my body is so big and I'm not supposed to be in my 5th octomester at this point, I should still be in my 4th so I should still be all tiny. All small

Jan: Are you seeing a midwife?

Dar: No? Should I be seeing a midwife?

Jan: Are you seeing a doula?

Dar: No, should I?

Jan: Are you seeing an OBGYN?

Dar: No, should I?

Jan: Are you seeing a shaman?

Dar: Oh! I had honestly thought that that was not a good idea

Jan: It probably isn't

Baby: Mama?

Jan: Yes baby?

Baby: I'm sick

Jan: You're sick? what's wrong

Baby: [pukes]

C-53: Ah, it's just thrown up all over me

Jan: Can you just help me clean it up?

C-53: Honestly, not a big deal

[Jan’s phone rings]

Jan: Just grab some of these

C-53: I'll just- yeah, these wet wipes are great

Dar: But you're saying if you were a little less tired you would know how to help me?

Jan: Yeah, I mean look, I can [sighs] I can look into it. I've just got a few more kids to pick up from swim practice

Dar: I'll pick them up, I can go there

Jan: And then ok I gotta get this food in the crockpot and then I gotta get these 400 kids, they do have to get to bed by 7

Pleck: Wow

C-53: Ok

AJ: Where are the dads?

Pleck: AJ... I don’t think thats-

C-53: That's sort of rude

AJ: What did I say? Did I say something wrong?

C-53: It's just very personal

Pelck: If I had to guess I'd say-

AJ: Yeah, but where are the dads, shouldn't there be dads? What? I mean I am a clone but I have been conditioned to realize that a normal family is a-

[someone chuckles]

C-53: Wow

AJ: -a mother, a father, children, one red gerp, one blue gerp

Pleck: Ok, AJ listen. one of the things you gotta learn on this job is that were gonna go to planets that have totally different society structures, cultures, and part of diplomacy is being able to kinda figure that out

AJ: I'm not a diplomat, I'm a soldier baby!

[cocks and powers up blaster]

AJ: I'm a soldier!

Pleck: You put that away AJ!

Jan: Can you please put that gun away?

[baby starts crying]

Matthew: Look at the shading I was able to do on this gun while he had it out

Jan: No, Matthew put that drawing away, no more guns. I know you guys came here for a reason or whatever. I wanna help you but I just obviously have a lot going on

[phone rings again, unzips bag and turns it off]

C-53: Jan you clearly do, thats a handful

Jan: I'm in over my head you know, I'm an oracle I've got 9 million kids! and-

AJ: You look great

Jan: Well, thank you, I do this 30 day shred every time I have a child

Pleck: That's a lot of days, that adds up

C-53: How can you find the time to do the shred?

Jan: You know, it's just a lot of needs

AJ: But where are the dads? Where are the fathers?

Pleck: AJ, you know what? here is this shopping list, how about you just, do you see that grocery store across the street?

AJ: Yeah

Pleck: How about you go grab us some groceries

AJ: Let's go shopping baby! lock and load it!

[blaster powers up]

Jan: Can you please-

AJ: Lock and load!

Pleck: You definitely can't bring that into the- I will take that, I’ll take that.

AJ: Lock and shop baby! let's do it!

Pleck: Yep, and let me take the button that takes the gun out of your butt.

Pleck: Let me take it

AJ: Alright take it [hands it over]. Lock and load, let's do this! Let's shop!

Matthew: You got a gun up your butt!

Jan: Ok get in the car, get back in the car

Pleck: Jan, should we actually come with you? Would that be easier?

Jan: Yeah

[They all get in the car, doors close and she starts driving]

Pleck: Jan, how does this society work here on Kirkland, did you build this city or did your kids build it?

Jan: Yeah, I essentially built it. you know, I started having children oh I don't know how many years ago was it. I've got 9 million kids, the 80’s maybe? Umm. And you know, uhh, next thing you know, here I am, all these kids. Just trying to keep my head above the water. You know, I love them, I love all of them. it's hard work

Pleck: That's very obvious, I know every kid is different but I can tell you really are connected with all of them

C-53: There's a lot of care

Jan: Yeah, yeah

Toad: [croaky voice] Mama

Jan: [sighs]

Toad: [louder] Mamaaaa

Jan: Just ignore him. It's just, that's Toad.

Toad: Mamaaaaa

Jan: That's Toad and, just. He's fine. He's fine.

Pleck: I guess I didn't really understand that, I thought all of your kids were the same species

Jan: No, some of them are reptiles. and when that happens, they go and live in the lake and they're not 100% my responsibility because they are reptiles

Pleck: Sure

Jan: They take care of each other. But Toad, he's just sort of insisted that he stick with us.

Pleck: Sure, thats --

Toad: Mom, flies?

Jan: Uhh

Toad: Can I have flies?

Jan: Yeah, do you wanna go to the lake and get some flies?

[car door opens]

Toad: Bye

Pleck: Hey! wow! there you go

C-53: Sometimes you luck out

Pleck: Wait. So, Jan, if you're the mother of the reptiles and stuff, are you the mother of the plants?

Jan: Yes. I gave birth to everything on this planet.

Pleck: Wow

Jan: So everything you see, all the plant life, all the air.

C-53: There was no air here before you got here?

Jan: There was no air, I had to make it more...

Pleck: Jan I really feel like you've created a big happy family here

Jan: You know, I think I have

C-53: Jan, did you do more oracling before you had kids?

Jan: Sure, duh [laughing] yeah, I had a life before kids

C-53: Ok yeah, I didn't mean to-

Jan: Yeah, I looked a little bit different, I had a little more energy, I had a little more all-knowing knowledge and power,

C-53: Ok, ok

Jan: But now I've got mom brain!

Pleck: Yeah sure

Jan: I don't even know how much gas I have in this thing

Pleck: I feel like you need a little bit of help here Jan. Around the planet

Jan: No, no, no, no I've got this, I've got this. No one’s gonna do it like I'm gonna do it ok? I’ve got everything under control

C-53: Ok, that may be true but it just seems like a lot of work for one being. Even a roddess like yourself it's a lot to do

Jan: I can do it; no, I can do it. If I know I'm doing it then I know I'm doing it right, you know?

Pleck: Yeah, that makes sense

Jan: The laundry is getting done the exact way I do the laundry

Pleck: But you know it’s, sometimes you gotta. If you love something you've gotta set it free as they say

Dar: Also, delegating. Delegating is a great way-

Jan: Failure?

Dar: I'm sorry?

Jan: Mom failure?

Dar: Delegating is a mom failure?

Pleck: Oh boy

Jan: That's what I heard when you said delegating, mom fail?

Pleck: I don't know about that

C-53: Seems like a grim view of delegation

Pleck: Wow! You blew through that stop light Jan

Jan: Oh, was there a stoplight? I’m just hardly looking

[sirens start up behind, Jan sighs]

Pleck: It's fine, it's probably one of your kids, right?

Jan: it is, it's my kid that became a cop

[knock on the window, Jan rolls it down]

Josh: Hey mom? Do you have any idea how fast you were going through that red light?

Jan: I don't know Josh, why don't you tell me

Josh: Mom, can you tell me the reason why you're in such a hurry today?

Jan: Hey josh?

Josh: Mom? why don't you step out of the car. Why don't we have you step right out of the car

[sounds of door opening and Jan exiting, the conversation now coming through the window]

Jan: Josh, I-

Josh: You're gonna give me trouble

Jan: Alright listen, do you remember I have done so much for you, ok. I have done- do you remember all that tutoring you had?

Josh: I do

Jan: Who paid for that tutoring?

Josh: you did

Josh: Mom, what do you think if everyone here on Kirkland sped that fast, what kind of society would we have then?

Jan: Uh, I don't know Josh, a fast society?

Josh: You know what mom? I'm gonna let you off with a warning today

[Jan gets back in the vehicle]

Josh: Alright mom you have yourself a good day. Let's pay attention to the colors of those lights, and your gas is almost gone

Jan: Ok, great see you

Pleck: Josh seems like a good cop

Jan: Yeah, he just, he loves rules

C-53: Tough but fair

Jan: Tough but fair yeah.

Dar: Now, is he someone whose laundry you have to do?

Jan: Yes, I am still doing his laundry

Pleck: What? Wait

C-53: That's a grown man

Pleck: Wait hold on, Jan there are adults all over this planet

Jan: Yeah, but sometimes; Josh, he just he likes the way that I do his uniform

C-53: Sure

Jan: And you know I agree, no one really does it the same way

Pleck: You don't have to do this, he's a gainfully employed adult

Jan: No, I do, I do it. I just do it

Pleck: Ok

[Sound of AJ running up to the car, door opens]

AJ: got the groceries! Lock and shop let’s do this

Pleck: AJ, we were gonna come back

Dar: Watch him pump that shopping cart up in the air

AJ: Yeah, alright wooo!

Pleck: AJ you have a commlink in your helmet so you can talk to us when we're not together

AJ: Oh right

Pleck: You didn't have to come after us

AJ: I forgot about that, I saw the car pulling up and I was like don't leave me! so I kept like pushing

Pleck: Get in

AJ: Uh Jan? Got the groceries for you all here

Jan: Great thank you just put them in the back of the van

[Sounds of groceries being shoved into the car]

AJ: What's for dinner? What are we doing for dinner?

Pleck: AJ, we're not gonna stick around for dinner, Jan is very busy

Jan: No, you can! You can stay for dinner

Pleck: [simultaneously] No, no

Jan: Yeah!

C-53: We couldn't want to-

AJ: Yeah, what are you making?

Jan: Ranch garfon

AJ: Oh, that sounds good

Pleck: Ok, interesting

AJ: No, we should stay! Can we stay for dinner?

Jan: You can stay! yes

Pleck: Uh, I don't know AJ, you know it's not really- yeah

C-53: [simultaneously] AJ, that’s not really why we’re here

AJ: She's saying we can stay

Jan: No, stay! Its fine

Pleck: Jan listen, I don't think

AJ: Jan’s saying we can do it; we should probably do it right?

Dar: It just sounds like we're giving you another thing that you have to be responsible for

Jan: That's my job

Pleck: We tried to help you by getting groceries, we can't then-

Jan: Yeah, you guys have helped

AJ: Guys she's saying that we can stay

C-53: Jan, we will accept your invitation to dinner but only on the circumstance that we do all the work

Jan: Well, the dinners already made, it's been in the crockpot since 9 am

C-53: OK but you have to let us set the table,

Jan: Ok

C-53: Let us–

Pleck: Do the dishes?

C-53: You have to let us do the dishes; you have to let us wash all the kids’ hands

Jan: [sighs] Uh ok, yeah, I can um, delegate?

Pleck: I feel like that stresses you out Jan

Dar: yeah, that's the word, delegate

Jan: Yeah, ummm. [strained] mhm. yeah. You guys, yeah.

Dar: You're crying, why are you crying?

Pleck: Yeah, Jan are you alright.

Jan: It's just you know washing all the kids’ hands is a special thing that we do together, [crosstalk] we sing a handwashing song

Pleck: we don't have to, yeah just the dishes

C-53: Maybe you take that one, we'll take-

Jan: [singing while crying] we wash wash wash and the bubble bubbles bubbles and we rinse rinse, and I– it's just special

C-53: You have a whole thing, you can do that, we’ll set the table

Jan: I feel like that's something I just, I need to do

Pleck: Totally fine totally fine

Peanut Allergy Child: Mom I'm not supposed to have peanuts but David gave me peanuts

David: He dared me to! He dared me to give him peanuts!

Jan: Ok, alright, does anybody have-

Peanut Allergy Child: yeah, I didn't think he’d actually give me the peanuts

Jan: Ok does anybody have a pepi-pen?

C-53: Actually uh, I think I have a compartment here

[something opens]

Jan: Can you just shoot it into his leg?

C-53: Uh, you're ok with that?

Jan: Yeah, that's fine, just shoot that into his leg

[sounds, child groaning]

Jan: Alright, should be all better

Child: Mooom, why does he get a pepi pen?

Another child: I want a pepi pen!

AJ: Wait, so when is dinner?

Jan: Do you have any more pepi pens, can you give them all pepi pens?

Pleck: AJ!

AJ: When are we having dinner? I’m hungry!

Jan: Just give em all pepi pens. Alright! well look at that we’re here at the swim meet

Pleck: Wow, great

Jan: Ok, I'm gonna go grab some of the kids and you guys can just make room in the van

Pleck: Sure, sure thing

Jan: I have to sign them out so…

[door closes]

C-53: Papa Decksetter, we- I don't know if we’re ever gonna get anything out of Jan, she seems incredibly overworked

Pleck: Yeah, I just-

Child: Hey, hey, it's our mom’s birthday today, will you sign the card?

Pleck: [laughing, surprised] It's your mom's birthday?! Oh no!

C-53: And we came here on her birthday?!

AJ: Oh, do you think she's gonna make cake?

Pleck: No! Stop! AJ. Come on

C-53: She should not have to make her own birthday cake

Pleck: This is how busy she is on her birth-- oh my Rodd, I feel terrible

C-53: this is terrible

[door opens]

Jan: Surprise! it was not a swim meet, I just picked up some balloons for myself, it's my birthday and I threw myself a surprise party

[balloons squeezing into the vehicle]

Dar: That's so lovely that you took time out of your day for yourself, that's important!

Jan: Is it?

Dar and Pleck: Yes!

Jan: It's not selfish?

Dar: No!

Pleck: It's very important!

Jan: I just picked up a few balloons

C-53: Jan these balloons are for you right?

Jan: I mean, I got them because the kids like them

Kids: Pop! Pop!

[sounds of balloons popping]

Dar: No, Jan. oh!

Pleck: Oh no

C-53: Just popped them instantly

AJ: That was fun though

Jan: and that was my birthday celebration

C-53: Oh Jan, oh Jan.

Jan: All right, let's go!

[transition music]

Dar: Listen, no no no Jan, you-

Jan: I'll just do this

Dar No, you insisted on cooking, please just let us do the dishes for you

Pleck: Literally it is the least we can do, Jan

Dar: The very least

Jan: I just I don't use the dishwasher I hand wash; I don't like the way the dishwasher does it

C-53: We can hand wash. That's not a problem

Jan: I don't like, it makes things look foggy

Dar and Pleck: Sure

Jan: I just hand wash all the dishes

C-53: AJ, you had four servings of ranch garfon

AJ: So good, so good

Dar: And you used 3 different plates

AJ: Well like, I stacked them, it was great. Um, do we eat your children? Were those your children, those garfons?

Pleck: AJ!

AJ: What? They were delicious, I just want to say if they were your kids they were really good

Jan: No, were not eating my children, thank you

C-53: it's sort of a relief to know

Jan: We get it shipped in from another planet

Pleck: Oh, so Kirkland doesn't have its own farms

Jan: Well, Kirkland is the name, but then you know it's kind of a generic product that comes in, and we put the Kirkland name on it

C-53: [simultaneously] Sort of importing things and putting the Kirkland name on it

AJ: It was so good Jan, thank you. It ruled. WOO!

[crushes can]

Jan: Thank you, I didn't get any, so. I don't know...

C-53: Jan...

Pleck: What? Jan, you have to eat something

Jan: I'm gonna have a banana

C-53: Jan, let me make you something

Jan: No,

C-53: Jan please

Jan: Don't make more dishes. Stop, absolutely not

C-53: Jan, I will make it and I will wash the dishes myself, I will promise

Jan: Just get me a slimmy quick, it's just a can

C-53: Jan, no no no, I-

Jan: The chocolate malt-

C-53: No, I see it but–

Pleck: You have to eat a real meal

Jan: It’s fine, I’ve been living off slimmy fast for... years and years

C-53: Jan, what is your favorite food?

Jan: I don't know [laughs] tater tots?

Pleck: No, that's food for children

C-53: Not your children's favorite foods, your food

Jan: Grapes cut in half, cup of milk

C-53: Jan think back before you had kids what did you love to eat?

Jan: Hmm [thinking sounds] oh gosh I can't remember. I can't remember the time

C-53: Ok, alright, well Jan I’m just gonna whip up something for you. I was a chef in a previous incarnation so allow me to just do this for you

Jan: Ok, I mean I don’t deserve it

Pleck and C-53: Jan…

[short lullaby-like music plays]

Dar: Oh, what's that alarm sound?

Jan: Oh, that's just signaling all the children to go to bed

[sound of multiple children groaning]

Child 1: Can I wait ‘til the next commercial?

Child 2: Read us a story!

Jan: Ok, alright

AJ: I never learned to self soothe so I’m happy to get this story right now

Pleck: [disapprovingly] AJ...

Jan: Alright, one gerp two gerp red gerp blue gerp. [page turn] one gerp, two gerps, four gerps, oh no gerps.

[Back in the kitchen, various cooking sounds continue]

Dar: [groaning] Oh my, wow. I don't think I want kids

Pleck: Dar I don’t think it’s like this

C-53: You can’t let this influence

Dar: Jans life is not their own anymore!

Pleck: She has 9 million kids Dar, thats too many

C-53: By almost any species metric that’s an extremely high number of children

Pleck: And that doesn't count the vegetation or the animals on the planet, I don't even know how many kids she has, C-53 listen. It's amazing that she can care for this many offspring while also being an oracle. Jan is incredibly powerful and we know she hates the emperor. We need her help!

C-53: I mean no doubt she's extremely powerful but, it just seems like there's a lot on her plate right now, you know what I mean? It's a lot of work

Jan: Ok, the kids are sleeping. The kids on this side of the planet are sleeping, I have 15 minutes before the other side of the planet wakes up and needs to get off to school

[Lullaby music softly plays as Jan walks back in. Sounds of kids sleeping and snoring can be heard, including AJ]

C-53: Oh, that's not a lot of time

Jan: 15 minutes

C-53: Ok

J: Well, its 15 minutes, that's actually a lot of time I can get a lot done

C: Well, I believe you can get a lot done

Jan: I get a lot done in these 15 minutes, I sleep, I do laundry, I prepare tomorrow's dinner, so this is the me time

Pleck: Alright, AJ. AJ wake up

[AJ groans]

Pleck: AJ you have to-

[groans again]

Dar: No please Pleck, let him sleep

Pleck: Alright

[timer goes off]

C-53: Jan, I hope you like garfon au ranch. I have prepared this-

Jan: What is that?

C-53: This is just a little something I whipped up, it’s a recipe I created myself

Jan: [tearing up] oh my Rodd

C-53: Jan, are you crying? I'm sorry I-

Jan: Wait, this is warm?

C-53: Just pulled it out of the oven

Pleck: It’s hot

Jan: Should we make it cold?

Pleck: Why would we-

C-53: No, it’s meant to be--

Jan: Do you want a bite? Here everyone, have a bite

C-53: I can't, I’m a robot I cannot

Pleck: Also, I’m full

Dar: Yeah

Pleck: I’m full of ranch garfon

Jan: I'm just, I'm gonna eat this all by myself?

C-53: It’s for you Jan, thats who it’s for

Jan: It’s for me

AJ: [gets up] We can split it if you want

C-53: AJ!

Pleck: Oh, you're awake now AJ?

Jan: Sure–

C-53: AJ no! No!

Jan: Would you want a little bite? I mean you can just have a little bite

[sound of AJ's helmet depressurizing]

AJ: I mean you did wanna wanna split it

Pleck: AJ! Please

Jan: Let's split it

C-53: AJ [smack sound] AJ! [second smack sound]

AJ: Ok, ok

[helmet back on]

AJ: No, eat it all yourself

[silverware sounds]

Jan: Oh my gosh, this is so good

Pleck: Uncross your arms AJ

Dar: Are you rolling your eyes?

AJ: How could you tell?

Jan: This is really great

Pleck: Jan, thank you for all that you do on this planet

Jan: No don't, I'm just a mom. At the end of the day I'm just a mom, the thanks, I don't need them

Pleck: You are a roddess

Jan: Laughs

Jan: I literally am

Pleck: Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Jan: Thank you, I mean aren't all moms roddesses? I am actually a roddess and a mom but aren't we all?

Pleck: Yeah?

C-53: But you more so than most moms is what I’m gonna say

Pleck: Literally

Jan: All knowing

C-53: This planet literally would not exist; it would be a barren rock without you

Jan: That's right, Kirkland would not be here

Pleck: As a mom of so many people you sort of keep Kirkland in business as it were

Jan: Yeah, I definitely keep it in business, yeah. Dar how are you feeling

Dar: I mean…

Jan: Do you want some water? How much water have you had today

[sounds of a glass being grabbed and filled with water]

Dar: I should be drinking water?

Jan: Yes, you should be drinking 72 ounces of water a day

Pleck: Dar’s species drinks sand actually

Jan: Oh, well you need some sand

Dar: I guess I just hadn't thought about it. I just. Where's this all written down? Like where's the pamphlet?

Jan: I know

Dar: Or is it a book? Cause I don't really have time for a book

Jan: No...

Dar: Where could I synthesize this knowledge, could you, could I just live here? Could I just stay here and you could tell me how I'm supposed to do this?

C-53: Dar, we can't impose on Jan any more than we already have

Jan: Dar, I have all the answers, I know the future

Dar: Oh, thank roddess, let's hear it!

Jan: But I don't want to take away your journey. If I tell you everything, then you can't experience your journey in the moment. And that's what I've had to say to a lot of my children. Toad especially. You know, you're a reptile, you have to live in the lake with the other reptiles. You literally need the water to survive

C-53: Yeah, that's important

Jan: But you know Dar the thing is that, everyone is different. Every species is different

Dar: But my body, I’ve been told my body should look a certain way at this point

C-53: Dar where did you hear that

Dar: I follow a lot of different mom blogs

C-53: Oh Dar

Dar: A particularly opinionated mommy blogger believes that every gestating body should look a certain way and mine does not look that way so I’m, I’ve been freaking out a little bit

C-53: Dar that's not fair to you or-

Pleck: You don't even know what species the other parent is, you can't put those expectations on yourself

Dar: When you’re doing this alone, you just kinda get trapped in your own apparently very small head

Pleck: I get it

Dar: Very tiny

AJ: I get trapped in my helmet sometimes

Pleck: Thats, I think that's a different issue AJ

AJ: [shrug] I think maybe your head doesn't have the right pressure lock on right now. Yeah, sometimes the strap’s in the mechanism, are those on tight? Are your head straps on ok?

Pleck: AJ you-

C-53: [sarcastically] Yeah Dar, are your headstraps on ok?

Dar: Ok so it's fine, I'm actually fine

Jan: It's gonna be fine

Dar: We're fine

[squishy sounds]

Pleck: Dar your head is growing again!

Dar: Huh! I'm filling out

[voice back to normal]

Dar: Wow, I really honestly shouldn't have been worried. I was probably worrying myself into freaking out even more

Pleck: You know Jan, I hate to even ask you this but, I know you've got a lot going on on your planet

Jan: Not really

Pleck: No, you do                                                                                                  

C-53: Seems like you do

Jan: Just as much as any mom has going on

Pleck: That's not really, it's a lot more

Jan: We’re all juggling a lot of balls in the air

C-53: Seems more balls than…

Pleck: It almost seems silly, but the rest of the galaxy is in danger

Jan: Who's in danger, Toad?

Pleck: The rest of the galaxy, the rest of the galaxy

Jan: What did he do? David? Did he eat?

Pleck: Every planet except this one

Jan: [tearing up] Josh?          

Pleck: Josh he's gonna be fine

C-53: Josh seems like he's ok

Jan: So, who’s in trouble?

Pleck: Literally everyone else

Jan: Was it my fault? what did I do wrong

C-53: Jan no

Jan: [crying] What did I do?

Pleck: Jan, listen. There's an emperor. There's a new emperor and your name was on a list of dissidents

Jan: Yeah, the emperor, I'm very familiar with him, we met at a PTA meeting

C-53: Planetary teachers association

Jan: That's right. The emperor has, he's just pulled a lot of strings that have affected my children. they had some, you know all his kids got into PS-19

C-53: Famously good PS.

Pleck: Planetary school

Jan: Planetary school 19. Once they all got in, I couldn't get any of my kids in

Pleck: I'm so sorry

Jan: There were some auditions for some local community theater, and they were rigged. Yeah, his children, all his kids were the leading roles. And Toad for instance, who– listen, has a great voice.

C-53: I think that's obvious

Jan: Well, he was bunny number 2

Pleck: That’s--

Dar: Rude

C-53: That's not fair

Jan: In the chorus. I mean I cried. and he also, you know murdered his best friends and destroyed the rebellion

Pleck: That's sort of my big grievance with him

C-53: [simultaneously] yeah that's our grievance

Pleck: That's just my perspective. Listen, I hate to even ask you to do a single thing more than you're already doing.

Jan: I’m available

Pleck: Well ok, if there's anything you could give us, just with your sort of omniscience, kind of give us anything that would help us out in our battle against the emperor

Jan: Ok alright, I’m having my downtime. I am somewhat more relaxed [sighs] the kids are sleeping on this side of the planet

[voice gets slightly echoey]

Jan: Alright. I'm thinking and I'm seeing; I think it's a password?

C-53: Oh wow that would be tremendously useful, yes

Jan: Great, the password is BumpyRoad168

Pleck: Great

Jan: Uh capital B capital R. so capital B lowercase umpy capital R lowercase oad

C-53: [simultaneously] lowercase oad

Jan: One six eight

C-53: Wow

Jan: That's the password that you need

Pleck: Jan, thank you this is huge

Jan: Is it?

C-53: For us?

Jan: Stop, no, it's not a big deal

C-53: This is– honestly no one else could have done this

Pleck: also, can you tell us what Bargie did?

Jan: Yeah I, I don't feel comfortable actually repeating it

C-53: Not in front of the kids

Pleck: Ok sure

Jan: I don’t think it's something I-- [breathes in] oof. you know what I mean? oof

C-53: Yeah, ok sure

Pleck: That’s pretty much what we thought

Jan: Sometimes I wish I wasn't all knowing

Pleck: Gotcha

Jan: Just stay away from any horny doctors

Pleck: Uhhhh, ok, yeah

C-53: That's probably good advice

Jan: Just steer clear, and that's advice I give all my children

[Alarm goes off, same variation on the main theme]

Jan: Oh! ok, alright. ah that's the west side of the planet, I gotta go I got a lot of kids I have to get off to school.

C-53: Ok

Jan: It's pack your own lunch day, so I gotta make a lot of lunches, I gotta get everybody up, I gotta get everybody dressed. It's also I think it's crazy hair day so I gotta do everyone’s hair

Pleck: You gotta tell your kids who are in charge of these school days to give you a break

Jan: Well, you know it's spirit week [laughs] the kids have so much fun

C-53: Yeah, it’s a fun week

AJ: [with his helmet off] Spirit week rules!

Pleck: AJ!

[sounds of silverware on a plate]

Pleck: AJ stop eating her food!

AJ: But she's not eating it

Pleck: That is for her!

AJ: She's not eating it

Pleck: She's in the middle of talking

Jan: It's fine, has hungry, he might be really hungry. he might be going through a growth spurt

Pleck: AJ!

C-53: No, he's not

[transition music]

Pleck: Nermut, great news. The trip to Kirkland was a success!

Nermut: Wooo!

Pleck: We have incredibly valuable information in the form of a Zima prime membership password

Nermut: No way! oh man

C-53: Jan really came through, its apparently Jan

Nermut: Jan?

C-53: Not Yahn. Yeah, its Jan

Pleck: You should update that pronunciation

C-53: It's a hard J. Also, technically they have 9 million people who are willing to fight against the emperor

Nermut: Woah!

Pleck: We have sort of, I would say a suburban passive aggression behind us. if we need it

C-53: Also lots of huge bags of tortilla chips

[laughing]

Nermut: How big?

Pleck: And tubs of peanut butter filled pretzel bites

Nermut: Oh wow, how big a bag of chips are we talking?

Pleck: Bigger than you could ever get through before they went stale

Nermut: Are you saying like twice the size of the size that I'm imagining?

Pleck: Yes

Nermut: Woah!

Pleck: Easily

Nermut: That's so big!

Pleck: Let’s give it a shot

Nermut: Let’s try the password.

Pleck: here we go!

Nermut: Nubs crossed!]

Pleck: [sounding it out as he types] BumpyRoad168. Alright guys

[sound plays]

Pleck: Oh! we are in!!

C-53: Oh wow!

Bargie: Hold on I have to put my new script, my new sides onto every single monitor

[sound of screens turning on and changing]

Everyone: No! Bargie!

C-53: Bargie we’re sorta--

Bargie: It's very important. This time it's for the role of a person who once saw a person get eaten alive.

C-53: Wow

Bargie: You go first

Pleck: Bargie, we're sort of on the -

Bargie: You're playing the role of horny doctor

Pleck: Oh no, how many of these films are there?

C-53: Also, Bargie we received some very knowledgeable advice that you should avoid these pictures

Bargie: Who said that?

C-53: Jan, the oracle on Kirkland

Bargie: What does she know

C-53: She knows the future

Dar: She probably knows that horny doctors are out and it's all about horny lawyers now

Bargie: Oh, good cause that's for my next script

C-53: Ok, well maybe we just skip this one

AJ: I'll read with you, I can read with you

Pleck: Oh AJ...

AJ: Huh. O - b jection

Pleck: That was good!

C-53: Close!

AJ: [slowly] Your honor. I have an... er- ection. erection?

Bargie: Oh, I need to probably

C-53: Oh, horny lawyer. Yeah.

Bargie: Probably should mention, it's– my role has no lines so it's just all facial. This is a monologue

Pleck: Wait, facial?

Bargie: I mean it's all like-

AJ: All reaction shots

Bargie: It's all reaction shots

Pleck: Bargie you don't have a face!

Bargie: Really? look at me wink

[sound of something outside the ship clank]

Bargie: It's the Bargie wink!

Pleck: I heard that, but I’m not looking at whatever just winked

Bargie: Oh, my angry face! My angry face!

[thinking sounds]

Pleck: Yeah, I’m not seeing what's happening here

Bargie: My happy face

[more clanking sounds]

Pleck: I can hear things clanking outside the ship but I don't-

Bargie: The face of someone who during a financial bloom decided to deposit money into the wrong hands and then ended up probably going in so deep that she told like a bunch of people to assassinate the head of the cartel and it ended up kinda getting back, she never realized that murder is real. Anyways, that's his face

[sounds stop]

C-53: Bargie, that's just your regular face

Bargie: Yeah, so if you, it's just a monologue

AJ: Uhh, ok

[outro music plays]