The crew heads to an unusual planet in search of a powerful oracle. Bargie gets back out there. Dar’s pregnancy raises new questions. AJ sets a bad example.
The crew head to an unusual planet in search of a powerful oracle. Bargie gets back out there. Dar’s pregnancy raises new questions. AJ sets a bad example.
Jeremy Bent as C-53
Alden Ford as Pleck Decksetter
Allie Kokesh as Dar
Seth Lind as Nermut Bundaloy, Philip and Josh
Winston Noel as AJ, Sam and Jeremy
Moujan Zolfaghari as Bargie, Hailee and Toad
With special guest Morgan Jarrett as Jan
Edited by Jeremy Bent
Recording, sound design and mix by Shane O’Connell
Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME’s Macedonian Symphony Orchestra
Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley
Ship design for The Bargarean Jade by Eric Geusz
Audio hosting by Simplecast
Mission to Zyxx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun network.
[dramatic music begins]
Narrator: It is a time of fear and unrest, Emperor Nermut Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist. And also a planet crusher... crusher. Now, Zima Knight Pleck Decksetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff. This is Mission to Zyxx!
[main theme plays and fades out]
[AJ's tube groans]
C-53: AJ, I’ve been meaning to ask, are you reading more?
AJ: Yeah, I love it so much. Now that I learned how to read, I'm reading all the time
C-53: What have you been enjoying?
AJ: You know, the great books. I’m really into the classics right now. Pat the Garfon, Goodnight Forest Moon, Peter [blows raspberry], you know where he goes and he tries to steal some of the kumquats from the farmer McGregor. You know, just classics like that
C-53: So, these are- you’re reading children's books
AJ: Well I guess if you consider One Gerp Two Gerp Red Gerp Blue Gerp a children's book then yeah, I'm reading children's books
Pleck: I mean, C-53, he is only 5 years old
C-53: Yeah, I don't wanna belittle him for reading what are considered quality children's books, but these are for children
Pleck: Sure, classics
C-53: These are for children
Bargie: Hey. Hey, who's free? Who’s free right now?
Pleck: I'm pretty free Bargie, what do you need?
Bargie: Alright great I need help with a self tape for an audition
Pleck: Wait, what?
C-53: Bargie, really?
Bargie: Yeah, I’ll print out the sides, you read the part of Horny Doctor
[beeping and printing noises]
Pleck: No- [stammering] Bargie, I thought you were on the lam! You can't be auditioning for anything!
Bargie: I think I'm ready to go back
Pleck: The last time I talked to you, you were actively avoiding scrutiny from anyone
Bargie: The thing is, it's been enough time, OK? I've spent way too much time dealing with being the criminal, with all the things I've done, you know? Feeling ashamed and bad and sad- I’m ready. I'm ready for my comeback tour.
AJ: But you never apologized at all
Bargie: Fine, that's good, it's my apology tour. My tour of all the places where I can audition
C-53: You're only touring places where you can audition for holos?
Bargie: Yeah, yeah
Pleck: Bargie, part of redemption you know is being proactive about making the things that you did better
Bargie: Definitely, 100%. anyway, Horny Doctor’s first line.
AJ: Yeah I'll do it
[papers rustling, camera beep]
C-53: I’m taping
AJ: Ch-, change. the gooze
Pleck: No-
AJ: Change the goo-az, Nurse
C-53 and Pleck: Gauze
AJ: I knew it, I knew it
Pleck: AJ, I thought you could read.
AJ: I can read, I'm reading. how's this not reading?
Dar: [higher pitched, from another room] Is there a horny doctor here? On the ship? I need to see a doctor
Pleck: Dar, come out of your room. What's going on?
Dar: Well uh, could you just send the horny doctor in here so they can examine me?
Pleck: No it's an audition, Dar, there's no doctor on the ship
AJ: It's gauze? it doesn't look like it’s gauze
C-53: It's just one of the intricacies of the language
Dar: It sounds like there was a horny doctor
Bargie: I haven't even said my line yet!
C-53: Dar, I don’t know what’s going on in there but the Midnight Shadow comes equipped with some pretty high-end first aid subroutines should you need any medical attention
Dar: Well...
[door opens, Dar steps out]
Pleck: Woah! Wow
AJ: Wow
C-53: Wow, I don't have a subroutine for this
Pleck: Dar, what- I’m sorry, this is probably super normal that your head is so small and your body is so large
Dar: [voice higher pitched] No, no this is not normal. This is too soon. I'm not fully into the 5th octomester and I shouldn't look like this. The books [laughs] the books don't say this!
Pleck: Dar, are you ok? I mean do you feel alright?
Dar: I mean, everything still feels fine. It just feels like my body moved on a little too quickly, like I -
Bargie: Alright none of these are lines that Horny Doctor is saying, so this is not helping me
Pleck: I’m sorry! AJ, I'll do it
C-53: Bargie, we apologize but-
AJ: Sure, I’ll- ok alright
Pleck: [clears throat] Change the gauze on that hatch or I'll do it for you
Bargie: Don't worry about it, Horn-Doc, I've killed too many people in my time.
Pleck: You've killed people, but you've brought me to life right here
[pause beep]
C-53: Bargie, what kind of holo is this
Pleck: I don't know if I like this, Bargie
Bargie: I don’t know
C-53: This is pretty horny
Pleck [laughs] I mean I just read what's on the page
Bargie: It was only one line, so
C-53: Oh that was it
Bargie, thank you, sending it now boop-boop-boop! oh I have to [?] Hi, it's Bargarean Jade, you know what I did. Uh, but I'm back!
C : Bargie, we still don't know what you did
[beep as it sends]
Bargie: Alright, moving along.
C: Ok, alright.
[incoming transmission beep]
C-53: Papa Decksetter, we have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager Nermut Bundaloy
[transmission opens]
Nermut: Hey guys!
Pleck: Hey, Nermut! You're inside!
Dar: Yeah that doesn't look like your nest
Nermut: Yeah, yeah this is the parents’ house, I’m helping them reset the router
Nermut's mom: Nermut? Are you gonna finish your vegetables?
Nermut: No, mom, I’m working I told-
Nermut's mom: Do you know how important it is to eat your vegetables?
Nermut: Do you know how important it is to take down the emperor?
Nermut’s Dad: Nermut do you have the router working again?
Nermut: I had to pause on that for one second because I have to assign a mission. Remember I'm a missions operations manager of the Master level?
Nermut’s mom: Nermut, the internet doesn't work
[Nermut sighs]
Pleck: Nermut you can finish rebooting the router and call us back
Nermut: No no no-
Nermut's dad: I'm trying to stream a program Nermut
Nermut: Can you wait one minute? I have the mission–
Nermut's mom: How do I make this picture on my phone bigger?
Nermut: You literally move your fingers apart
Nermut's mom: I don't get it
Nermut: No you- you spread your fingers apart
Nermut's mom: [ sounds of confusion]
Nermut's dad: Well thats what she’s been doing but it’s not working
Nermut: She's not touching the phone! She's near the phone
Nermut's dad: She's moving her fingers apart
Nermut: While touching the screen!
Nermut's mom: I don’t- I don’t get it
Pleck: Nermut you need to stop calling us when you have other shit happening
Nermut: [frantic] No no no I told them that I needed a break from chores!
Pleck: Just- Then wait 'til the break has started
Nermut: [exasperated] I did! Guys. I have a mission
AJ: [crushing a can] Mission time
Nermut: Like the enthusiasm AJ
AJ: Lock and load [cocks blaster as it powers up]
Nermut: Alright, I’ve been looking through the list of dissidents that we got during the wedding, and one of the names stood out
Pleck and C-53: Ok
Nermut: Yahn.
Pleck: Uhh
Nermut: Yahn is an oracle
C-53: Ooh, now that is interesting
Nermut: Yahn is probably the most powerful entity on this list of dissidents. This is the first place that we should go to attract incredibly powerful support in our quest to take on the emperor!
Pleck: But, Nermut. What do you mean oracle?
AJ: You mean like a hole?
Pleck/Nermut/C-53: [simultaneously] what?
AJ: Isn't an oracle a hole in the ground?
Nermut: you're just- you're thinking of a hole
[someone chuckles]
AJ: Huh. Alright. I'm gonna check it out, I'm pretty sure it might be
[footsteps and a door opening]
C-53: Yeah get back to us
Nermut: Look that up
Pleck: He just walked into the cargo bay
C-53: Papa Decksetter, an oracle is somebody with precognitive abilities. They could potentially give us future information about the emperor, they could help us in ways we don’t even fully understand yet!
Nermut: An ancient source of information and knowledge!
[Dar’s regular sized footsteps approach]
Dar: Orrrr maybe they could help us understand why my head is so small and my body is so big
Nermut: [Simultaneously] WOAAH Dar!
Dar: [laughing] And I’m not actually supposed to be in my 5th octomester yet
Nermut: What?? What?
Pleck: Yeah, somethings going on with Dar
Nermut: [stammering] What- we gotta- yeah, we'll ask the oracle- Dar are you OK? Is the baby OK?
[Nermut starts crumpling and rustling paper]
Pleck: Nermut put that book down, you don't need to make a nest right now
C-53: Nermut, you gotta focus
Nermut: Alright, I'm tearing it up. tearing it up
Nermut's mom: Nermut, Nermut no
Nermut's Dad: That is a first edition copy of One gerp Two Gerp, Red Gerp, Blue Gerp
Nermut's mom: I used to read that to you!
Nermut: I need to nest! guys, sending the coordinates to Keerkland
Pleck: Keer-kland?
Nermut: The home of Yahn
Pleck: Thank you Nermut
Nermut: Dar, stay strong!
Dar: I'm always strong
Nermut's dad: Nermut if I want to send this picture as an attachment-
Pleck: C-53 You gotta disconnect the call
Nermut [simultaneously, frustrated]: Click the paperclip icon
C-53: Yep, disconnecting
[door opens]
AJ: I was thinking orifice. That's what I was thinking
[Pleck and C-53 laugh]
[transition music plays, then fizzles out into interference]
[A Clint can be heard in the background repeating 'mop down on the ground' to himself]
Head Toady Bordoff: Tidings your immeasurable wackness, Head toady Bordoff here, with good news! And some bad, but first the good. My imperial shuttle is fueled and spotless. Ready to transport a brigade to mop up after our wicked trap undoubtedly eliminates that meddling crew of interlopers in the Zyxx quadrant. For the bad news, well... it seems that our enemies on the fresh side are equipped with socks of higher quality than we imagined possible. They're called Bombas, you see. And they are designed to be the most comfortable socks in the history of feet. Which is uhh- hang on.
[types something]
Bordoff: Huh my calculator doesn't even go that high. Anyways. Lots of years of feet. And the problem is, you see, Bombas are made from super soft natural cotton and then every pair comes with arch support, a seamless toe, and a cushioned footbed that's comfy but not too thick. I know, I know. We need them. Do not worry, your gnarliness, I will gain us access to these powerful socks.
If only one could buy them today at Bombas.com/zyxx or something. And get 20% off your first order. That would be perfect. I would totally go to bombas.com/zyxx Z-Y-X-X for 20% off these incredible socks. Wait… no… for every purchase of Bombas they donate a pair to someone in need? That's not wack, that's completely fresh! [ slams table]
[transition music continues]
C-53: Hmm, I guess not what I expected out of a planet that's home to an oracle.
Pleck: I feel like most of our you know, we usually land in a capital city or something but this spaceport sorta seems to be in a residential area
Child: Hey are you guys here for soccer or what?
Second Child: Are you here to pick us up?
Pleck: Uh, pick- no no no
Child 1: We've been waiting, she hasn't picked us up yet
Child 2: No one picked us up!
Child 3: I scored a goal!
Pelck: Oh, congratulations
Dar: Congrats
Child 3: Thanks
C-53: Good for you
Pleck: I’m sorry, is there someone uhh
C-53: Yeah, is there an adult around that we could speak to?
[car horn honking]
Jan: [muffled] Hey! Get. in. the. car. [less muffled as door slides open] get in the car, what are you doing talking to strangers?
Child 1: Mom, you're late! you said you were gonna pick us up at 4:30 and it's literally like 4:44
Child 3: Literally!
Jan: Ok listen I cannot keep track of the time, ok? My bit fit broke if you must know. You want to know who broke it? Guess. guess who broke it
Child 3: Danielle?
Child 1: Todd?
Jan: Both of them broke it. Both of them. Danielle broke it, Todd flushed it down the toilet. listen, get in the car, stop talking to strangers
Pleck: Sorry miss, it looks like you're very busy
C-53: Ma'am we did not mean to uh-
Jan: What, you mean to almost kidnap my kids?
Dar: Oh, no, we would never. We hate children we would never wanna kidnap them
Jan: Well welcome to the club
[car door slides closed]
Pleck: Well, uh, I just have a quick question. There doesn't seem to be any sort of official in this spaceport, we're looking for the oracle
Jan: Yeah, I'm the Oracle. I’m Jan
Pleck: Jan, we're actually looking for Yahn
C-53: [simultaneously] I think we're looking for Yahn
Jan: It's just Jan. I'm Jan, I'm an oracle, and these are my kids. These are all my children
Baby: Momma? Momma I gotta go pee
Jan: Ok umm, just go in your diaper. Its fine, just forget the potty-training thing we've been working on, just go
Pleck: Sorry Jan, you are the oracle on the planet
[phone rings, the ringtone is a variation of the main theme in the style of the iPhone marimba ringtone]
Jan: [unzipping something to answer the phone] Yeah that's me! ok, I got a lot going on
Pleck: I thought it was Yahn, how is it spelled?
Jan: Uhh, J-A-N
PLeck: Ah that seems like a Nermut misconception yeah
C-53: And the planet?
Dar: Yeah, could you pronounce the planet's name
Jan: Kirkland?
C-53: Ok yeah, we heard keerkland. That seemed weird
Jan: No, it’s just Kirkland
Jeremy: Mom, what are you doing here?
Jan: [exasperated] what?
Jeremy: What are you doing here, I'm trying to be at the- I’m at the spaceport. Just hanging out with my friends
Jan: Jeremy.
Jeremy: what!
Jan: Jeremy. Take off those sunglasses immediately
Jeremy: Ugh! No!
Jan: Take off- those are not yours, take them off right now
[Jeremy groaning]
Pleck: Listen Jan, I'm sorry. We actually are here to speak to the oracle- it looks like you're pretty busy should we come back?
[Jan's phone rings again]
Jan: Uhh, when would be a less busy time for me you tell me. I have 9 million children
Hayley: [far away] Mom! Mom
C-53: Oh, wow that is a lot
Jan: Yes, what? Mom’s here
Hayley: Sorry I ran over from the other part of town, euh- auhh Phillip and I are getting a divorce
Jan: Oh my-
Hayley: [crying] And I- it's like is it me? Is it- is it him? it's me it’s me, right? Mom, tell me
Jan: No. no, listen Hayley?
Hayley: Yeah?
[Jan's phone rings again]
Jan: It is not you, because you-
[Jan is cut off by one of her children through the phone]
Phillip: Mom, Mom it's me Phillip. Hayley and I are getting a divorce
Jan: Phillip?
Phillip: Yeah
Jan: [softer] Phillip...
Phillip: Yeah
Jan: It's not Hayley
Hayley: [crying] Yeah, thank you mom
Phillip: What?
Jan: Phillip you've always been difficult, just like,
C-53: Jan these are also your kids?
Jan: Yeah
Dar: That are married to each other
Jan: Well, you know
Dar: I suppose on a planet of 9 million of your children that's to be expected
Phillip: Yeah, married for now until Hayley ditches me!
Hayley: Mom I already have a divorce lawyer, Sam is doing it
Sam: [walking up] Hello mother
Jan: Hi Sam
Dar: Wait, that decrepit old lawyer is your son?
Sam: It's been a while
Phillip: Hey, that's my brother you're talking about!
Hayley: That's my divorce lawyer and my brother!
Dar: [stammering] It's just that Jan looks amazing and ethereal and you look like a broom
Jan: Well, he looks like a very well-polished broom
C-53: I don't know if that's a compliment
Phillip: That broom passed the bar!
Pleck: I’m sorry Jan, we should probably go and come back, I feel like you're right in the middle-
Sam: Oh, don't worry she won’t have time for you, she never has time
Jan: Ok, oh, well
C-53: Wow, that's hurtful
Dar: That's your mother!
Jan: That hurts my feelings, but you know what I can only do what I can do [laughs] I only have so many hands
[baby starts crying]
Jan: Oh, yes, yes, ok. And here's a bottle
[roots around in a bag]
Jan: -of stardust
Pleck: Can um- ok if we can't go can we help you at all? Is there anything we can do to–
C-53: Jan, you seem very busy, is there a way we could help out?
Jan: Yeah, uh actually thank you. Yeah! That'd be great
AJ: You want us to take out some of these kids or?
C-53: AJ. That can't be the first thing
Pleck: AJ! why would tha- why is that the first thing you think of
AJ: What, I’m locked and loaded let's do this!
[cocks blaster as it powers up]
Jan: Oh! no, can you put that away actually? I don't want any of my children to have any visuals of guns, I don't even allow-
Child: Mom, mom! look at this picture I drew of that gun I just saw! Isn't it cool? it looks just like it pew pew pew!
C-53: Oh, this is where it starts
Jan: Uh Jeremy!
Jeremy: What?
Jan: Get that cigarette out of your mouth right this second
Dar: [gasps] He ate it! he ate the cigarette
Jan: I was gonna make him eat it as a form of punishment but he enjoyed it
Sam: Oh, be careful, she'll lord that over you for the rest of your life
Jan: Ok
Pleck: Oh, you used to smoke?
Sam: ... I did
Dar: Oh, that's why you look like a broom
Jan: Uh you guys can help me, listen here's the list [unzips bag and pulls out paper]
C-53: We would love to-- oh wow that’s-
Jan: I need you to go to the grocery store, just get everything on this list. I'm doing some crockpot meals
C-53: That's a long list
Jan: And some freezer meals, some meal planning, and I don’t think I’m gonna have time to get to the grocery store
[Jan's phone rings, she declines the call]
C-53: We can take care of that
Pleck: Ok yeah!
C-53: Jan, we heard that you were an oracle, so you can see the future?
Jan: Yes, I am, oh I mean I know everything
Dar: Could you tell me then why my head is so small but my body is so big?
Jan: Umm you know I'm just so tired is the thing. I'm just, I know everything I see everything but I am exhausted
Dar: And I understand, I'm a new um,
Pleck: They're expecting
Jan: Oh! congratulations! It's the best time of your life, are you glowing?
Dar: No, I'm actually freaking out because my head is so small and my body is so big and I'm not supposed to be in my 5th octomester at this point, I should still be in my 4th so I should still be all tiny. All small
Jan: Are you seeing a midwife?
Dar: No? Should I be seeing a midwife?
Jan: Are you seeing a doula?
Dar: No, should I?
Jan: Are you seeing an OBGYN?
Dar: No, should I?
Jan: Are you seeing a shaman?
Dar: Oh! I had honestly thought that that was not a good idea
Jan: It probably isn't
Baby: Mama?
Jan: Yes baby?
Baby: I'm sick
Jan: You're sick? what's wrong
Baby: [pukes]
C-53: Ah, it's just thrown up all over me
Jan: Can you just help me clean it up?
C-53: Honestly, not a big deal
[Jan’s phone rings]
Jan: Just grab some of these
C-53: I'll just- yeah, these wet wipes are great
Dar: But you're saying if you were a little less tired you would know how to help me?
Jan: Yeah, I mean look, I can [sighs] I can look into it. I've just got a few more kids to pick up from swim practice
Dar: I'll pick them up, I can go there
Jan: And then ok I gotta get this food in the crockpot and then I gotta get these 400 kids, they do have to get to bed by 7
Pleck: Wow
C-53: Ok
AJ: Where are the dads?
Pleck: AJ... I don’t think thats-
C-53: That's sort of rude
AJ: What did I say? Did I say something wrong?
C-53: It's just very personal
Pelck: If I had to guess I'd say-
AJ: Yeah, but where are the dads, shouldn't there be dads? What? I mean I am a clone but I have been conditioned to realize that a normal family is a-
[someone chuckles]
C-53: Wow
AJ: -a mother, a father, children, one red gerp, one blue gerp
Pleck: Ok, AJ listen. one of the things you gotta learn on this job is that were gonna go to planets that have totally different society structures, cultures, and part of diplomacy is being able to kinda figure that out
AJ: I'm not a diplomat, I'm a soldier baby!
[cocks and powers up blaster]
AJ: I'm a soldier!
Pleck: You put that away AJ!
Jan: Can you please put that gun away?
[baby starts crying]
Matthew: Look at the shading I was able to do on this gun while he had it out
Jan: No, Matthew put that drawing away, no more guns. I know you guys came here for a reason or whatever. I wanna help you but I just obviously have a lot going on
[phone rings again, unzips bag and turns it off]
C-53: Jan you clearly do, thats a handful
Jan: I'm in over my head you know, I'm an oracle I've got 9 million kids! and-
AJ: You look great
Jan: Well, thank you, I do this 30 day shred every time I have a child
Pleck: That's a lot of days, that adds up
C-53: How can you find the time to do the shred?
Jan: You know, it's just a lot of needs
AJ: But where are the dads? Where are the fathers?
Pleck: AJ, you know what? here is this shopping list, how about you just, do you see that grocery store across the street?
AJ: Yeah
Pleck: How about you go grab us some groceries
AJ: Let's go shopping baby! lock and load it!
[blaster powers up]
Jan: Can you please-
AJ: Lock and load!
Pleck: You definitely can't bring that into the- I will take that, I’ll take that.
AJ: Lock and shop baby! let's do it!
Pleck: Yep, and let me take the button that takes the gun out of your butt.
Pleck: Let me take it
AJ: Alright take it [hands it over]. Lock and load, let's do this! Let's shop!
Matthew: You got a gun up your butt!
Jan: Ok get in the car, get back in the car
Pleck: Jan, should we actually come with you? Would that be easier?
Jan: Yeah
[They all get in the car, doors close and she starts driving]
Pleck: Jan, how does this society work here on Kirkland, did you build this city or did your kids build it?
Jan: Yeah, I essentially built it. you know, I started having children oh I don't know how many years ago was it. I've got 9 million kids, the 80’s maybe? Umm. And you know, uhh, next thing you know, here I am, all these kids. Just trying to keep my head above the water. You know, I love them, I love all of them. it's hard work
Pleck: That's very obvious, I know every kid is different but I can tell you really are connected with all of them
C-53: There's a lot of care
Jan: Yeah, yeah
Toad: [croaky voice] Mama
Jan: [sighs]
Toad: [louder] Mamaaaa
Jan: Just ignore him. It's just, that's Toad.
Toad: Mamaaaaa
Jan: That's Toad and, just. He's fine. He's fine.
Pleck: I guess I didn't really understand that, I thought all of your kids were the same species
Jan: No, some of them are reptiles. and when that happens, they go and live in the lake and they're not 100% my responsibility because they are reptiles
Pleck: Sure
Jan: They take care of each other. But Toad, he's just sort of insisted that he stick with us.
Pleck: Sure, thats --
Toad: Mom, flies?
Jan: Uhh
Toad: Can I have flies?
Jan: Yeah, do you wanna go to the lake and get some flies?
[car door opens]
Toad: Bye
Pleck: Hey! wow! there you go
C-53: Sometimes you luck out
Pleck: Wait. So, Jan, if you're the mother of the reptiles and stuff, are you the mother of the plants?
Jan: Yes. I gave birth to everything on this planet.
Pleck: Wow
Jan: So everything you see, all the plant life, all the air.
C-53: There was no air here before you got here?
Jan: There was no air, I had to make it more...
Pleck: Jan I really feel like you've created a big happy family here
Jan: You know, I think I have
C-53: Jan, did you do more oracling before you had kids?
Jan: Sure, duh [laughing] yeah, I had a life before kids
C-53: Ok yeah, I didn't mean to-
Jan: Yeah, I looked a little bit different, I had a little more energy, I had a little more all-knowing knowledge and power,
C-53: Ok, ok
Jan: But now I've got mom brain!
Pleck: Yeah sure
Jan: I don't even know how much gas I have in this thing
Pleck: I feel like you need a little bit of help here Jan. Around the planet
Jan: No, no, no, no I've got this, I've got this. No one’s gonna do it like I'm gonna do it ok? I’ve got everything under control
C-53: Ok, that may be true but it just seems like a lot of work for one being. Even a roddess like yourself it's a lot to do
Jan: I can do it; no, I can do it. If I know I'm doing it then I know I'm doing it right, you know?
Pleck: Yeah, that makes sense
Jan: The laundry is getting done the exact way I do the laundry
Pleck: But you know it’s, sometimes you gotta. If you love something you've gotta set it free as they say
Dar: Also, delegating. Delegating is a great way-
Jan: Failure?
Dar: I'm sorry?
Jan: Mom failure?
Dar: Delegating is a mom failure?
Pleck: Oh boy
Jan: That's what I heard when you said delegating, mom fail?
Pleck: I don't know about that
C-53: Seems like a grim view of delegation
Pleck: Wow! You blew through that stop light Jan
Jan: Oh, was there a stoplight? I’m just hardly looking
[sirens start up behind, Jan sighs]
Pleck: It's fine, it's probably one of your kids, right?
Jan: it is, it's my kid that became a cop
[knock on the window, Jan rolls it down]
Josh: Hey mom? Do you have any idea how fast you were going through that red light?
Jan: I don't know Josh, why don't you tell me
Josh: Mom, can you tell me the reason why you're in such a hurry today?
Jan: Hey josh?
Josh: Mom? why don't you step out of the car. Why don't we have you step right out of the car
[sounds of door opening and Jan exiting, the conversation now coming through the window]
Jan: Josh, I-
Josh: You're gonna give me trouble
Jan: Alright listen, do you remember I have done so much for you, ok. I have done- do you remember all that tutoring you had?
Josh: I do
Jan: Who paid for that tutoring?
Josh: you did
Josh: Mom, what do you think if everyone here on Kirkland sped that fast, what kind of society would we have then?
Jan: Uh, I don't know Josh, a fast society?
Josh: You know what mom? I'm gonna let you off with a warning today
[Jan gets back in the vehicle]
Josh: Alright mom you have yourself a good day. Let's pay attention to the colors of those lights, and your gas is almost gone
Jan: Ok, great see you
Pleck: Josh seems like a good cop
Jan: Yeah, he just, he loves rules
C-53: Tough but fair
Jan: Tough but fair yeah.
Dar: Now, is he someone whose laundry you have to do?
Jan: Yes, I am still doing his laundry
Pleck: What? Wait
C-53: That's a grown man
Pleck: Wait hold on, Jan there are adults all over this planet
Jan: Yeah, but sometimes; Josh, he just he likes the way that I do his uniform
C-53: Sure
Jan: And you know I agree, no one really does it the same way
Pleck: You don't have to do this, he's a gainfully employed adult
Jan: No, I do, I do it. I just do it
Pleck: Ok
[Sound of AJ running up to the car, door opens]
AJ: got the groceries! Lock and shop let’s do this
Pleck: AJ, we were gonna come back
Dar: Watch him pump that shopping cart up in the air
AJ: Yeah, alright wooo!
Pleck: AJ you have a commlink in your helmet so you can talk to us when we're not together
AJ: Oh right
Pleck: You didn't have to come after us
AJ: I forgot about that, I saw the car pulling up and I was like don't leave me! so I kept like pushing
Pleck: Get in
AJ: Uh Jan? Got the groceries for you all here
Jan: Great thank you just put them in the back of the van
[Sounds of groceries being shoved into the car]
AJ: What's for dinner? What are we doing for dinner?
Pleck: AJ, we're not gonna stick around for dinner, Jan is very busy
Jan: No, you can! You can stay for dinner
Pleck: [simultaneously] No, no
Jan: Yeah!
C-53: We couldn't want to-
AJ: Yeah, what are you making?
Jan: Ranch garfon
AJ: Oh, that sounds good
Pleck: Ok, interesting
AJ: No, we should stay! Can we stay for dinner?
Jan: You can stay! yes
Pleck: Uh, I don't know AJ, you know it's not really- yeah
C-53: [simultaneously] AJ, that’s not really why we’re here
AJ: She's saying we can stay
Jan: No, stay! Its fine
Pleck: Jan listen, I don't think
AJ: Jan’s saying we can do it; we should probably do it right?
Dar: It just sounds like we're giving you another thing that you have to be responsible for
Jan: That's my job
Pleck: We tried to help you by getting groceries, we can't then-
Jan: Yeah, you guys have helped
AJ: Guys she's saying that we can stay
C-53: Jan, we will accept your invitation to dinner but only on the circumstance that we do all the work
Jan: Well, the dinners already made, it's been in the crockpot since 9 am
C-53: OK but you have to let us set the table,
Jan: Ok
C-53: Let us–
Pleck: Do the dishes?
C-53: You have to let us do the dishes; you have to let us wash all the kids’ hands
Jan: [sighs] Uh ok, yeah, I can um, delegate?
Pleck: I feel like that stresses you out Jan
Dar: yeah, that's the word, delegate
Jan: Yeah, ummm. [strained] mhm. yeah. You guys, yeah.
Dar: You're crying, why are you crying?
Pleck: Yeah, Jan are you alright.
Jan: It's just you know washing all the kids’ hands is a special thing that we do together, [crosstalk] we sing a handwashing song
Pleck: we don't have to, yeah just the dishes
C-53: Maybe you take that one, we'll take-
Jan: [singing while crying] we wash wash wash and the bubble bubbles bubbles and we rinse rinse, and I– it's just special
C-53: You have a whole thing, you can do that, we’ll set the table
Jan: I feel like that's something I just, I need to do
Pleck: Totally fine totally fine
Peanut Allergy Child: Mom I'm not supposed to have peanuts but David gave me peanuts
David: He dared me to! He dared me to give him peanuts!
Jan: Ok, alright, does anybody have-
Peanut Allergy Child: yeah, I didn't think he’d actually give me the peanuts
Jan: Ok does anybody have a pepi-pen?
C-53: Actually uh, I think I have a compartment here
[something opens]
Jan: Can you just shoot it into his leg?
C-53: Uh, you're ok with that?
Jan: Yeah, that's fine, just shoot that into his leg
[sounds, child groaning]
Jan: Alright, should be all better
Child: Mooom, why does he get a pepi pen?
Another child: I want a pepi pen!
AJ: Wait, so when is dinner?
Jan: Do you have any more pepi pens, can you give them all pepi pens?
Pleck: AJ!
AJ: When are we having dinner? I’m hungry!
Jan: Just give em all pepi pens. Alright! well look at that we’re here at the swim meet
Pleck: Wow, great
Jan: Ok, I'm gonna go grab some of the kids and you guys can just make room in the van
Pleck: Sure, sure thing
Jan: I have to sign them out so…
[door closes]
C-53: Papa Decksetter, we- I don't know if we’re ever gonna get anything out of Jan, she seems incredibly overworked
Pleck: Yeah, I just-
Child: Hey, hey, it's our mom’s birthday today, will you sign the card?
Pleck: [laughing, surprised] It's your mom's birthday?! Oh no!
C-53: And we came here on her birthday?!
AJ: Oh, do you think she's gonna make cake?
Pleck: No! Stop! AJ. Come on
C-53: She should not have to make her own birthday cake
Pleck: This is how busy she is on her birth-- oh my Rodd, I feel terrible
C-53: this is terrible
[door opens]
Jan: Surprise! it was not a swim meet, I just picked up some balloons for myself, it's my birthday and I threw myself a surprise party
[balloons squeezing into the vehicle]
Dar: That's so lovely that you took time out of your day for yourself, that's important!
Jan: Is it?
Dar and Pleck: Yes!
Jan: It's not selfish?
Dar: No!
Pleck: It's very important!
Jan: I just picked up a few balloons
C-53: Jan these balloons are for you right?
Jan: I mean, I got them because the kids like them
Kids: Pop! Pop!
[sounds of balloons popping]
Dar: No, Jan. oh!
Pleck: Oh no
C-53: Just popped them instantly
AJ: That was fun though
Jan: and that was my birthday celebration
C-53: Oh Jan, oh Jan.
Jan: All right, let's go!
[transition music]
Dar: Listen, no no no Jan, you-
Jan: I'll just do this
Dar No, you insisted on cooking, please just let us do the dishes for you
Pleck: Literally it is the least we can do, Jan
Dar: The very least
Jan: I just I don't use the dishwasher I hand wash; I don't like the way the dishwasher does it
C-53: We can hand wash. That's not a problem
Jan: I don't like, it makes things look foggy
Dar and Pleck: Sure
Jan: I just hand wash all the dishes
C-53: AJ, you had four servings of ranch garfon
AJ: So good, so good
Dar: And you used 3 different plates
AJ: Well like, I stacked them, it was great. Um, do we eat your children? Were those your children, those garfons?
Pleck: AJ!
AJ: What? They were delicious, I just want to say if they were your kids they were really good
Jan: No, were not eating my children, thank you
C-53: it's sort of a relief to know
Jan: We get it shipped in from another planet
Pleck: Oh, so Kirkland doesn't have its own farms
Jan: Well, Kirkland is the name, but then you know it's kind of a generic product that comes in, and we put the Kirkland name on it
C-53: [simultaneously] Sort of importing things and putting the Kirkland name on it
AJ: It was so good Jan, thank you. It ruled. WOO!
[crushes can]
Jan: Thank you, I didn't get any, so. I don't know...
C-53: Jan...
Pleck: What? Jan, you have to eat something
Jan: I'm gonna have a banana
C-53: Jan, let me make you something
Jan: No,
C-53: Jan please
Jan: Don't make more dishes. Stop, absolutely not
C-53: Jan, I will make it and I will wash the dishes myself, I will promise
Jan: Just get me a slimmy quick, it's just a can
C-53: Jan, no no no, I-
Jan: The chocolate malt-
C-53: No, I see it but–
Pleck: You have to eat a real meal
Jan: It’s fine, I’ve been living off slimmy fast for... years and years
C-53: Jan, what is your favorite food?
Jan: I don't know [laughs] tater tots?
Pleck: No, that's food for children
C-53: Not your children's favorite foods, your food
Jan: Grapes cut in half, cup of milk
C-53: Jan think back before you had kids what did you love to eat?
Jan: Hmm [thinking sounds] oh gosh I can't remember. I can't remember the time
C-53: Ok, alright, well Jan I’m just gonna whip up something for you. I was a chef in a previous incarnation so allow me to just do this for you
Jan: Ok, I mean I don’t deserve it
Pleck and C-53: Jan…
[short lullaby-like music plays]
Dar: Oh, what's that alarm sound?
Jan: Oh, that's just signaling all the children to go to bed
[sound of multiple children groaning]
Child 1: Can I wait ‘til the next commercial?
Child 2: Read us a story!
Jan: Ok, alright
AJ: I never learned to self soothe so I’m happy to get this story right now
Pleck: [disapprovingly] AJ...
Jan: Alright, one gerp two gerp red gerp blue gerp. [page turn] one gerp, two gerps, four gerps, oh no gerps.
[Back in the kitchen, various cooking sounds continue]
Dar: [groaning] Oh my, wow. I don't think I want kids
Pleck: Dar I don’t think it’s like this
C-53: You can’t let this influence
Dar: Jans life is not their own anymore!
Pleck: She has 9 million kids Dar, thats too many
C-53: By almost any species metric that’s an extremely high number of children
Pleck: And that doesn't count the vegetation or the animals on the planet, I don't even know how many kids she has, C-53 listen. It's amazing that she can care for this many offspring while also being an oracle. Jan is incredibly powerful and we know she hates the emperor. We need her help!
C-53: I mean no doubt she's extremely powerful but, it just seems like there's a lot on her plate right now, you know what I mean? It's a lot of work
Jan: Ok, the kids are sleeping. The kids on this side of the planet are sleeping, I have 15 minutes before the other side of the planet wakes up and needs to get off to school
[Lullaby music softly plays as Jan walks back in. Sounds of kids sleeping and snoring can be heard, including AJ]
C-53: Oh, that's not a lot of time
Jan: 15 minutes
C-53: Ok
J: Well, its 15 minutes, that's actually a lot of time I can get a lot done
C: Well, I believe you can get a lot done
Jan: I get a lot done in these 15 minutes, I sleep, I do laundry, I prepare tomorrow's dinner, so this is the me time
Pleck: Alright, AJ. AJ wake up
[AJ groans]
Pleck: AJ you have to-
[groans again]
Dar: No please Pleck, let him sleep
Pleck: Alright
[timer goes off]
C-53: Jan, I hope you like garfon au ranch. I have prepared this-
Jan: What is that?
C-53: This is just a little something I whipped up, it’s a recipe I created myself
Jan: [tearing up] oh my Rodd
C-53: Jan, are you crying? I'm sorry I-
Jan: Wait, this is warm?
C-53: Just pulled it out of the oven
Pleck: It’s hot
Jan: Should we make it cold?
Pleck: Why would we-
C-53: No, it’s meant to be--
Jan: Do you want a bite? Here everyone, have a bite
C-53: I can't, I’m a robot I cannot
Pleck: Also, I’m full
Dar: Yeah
Pleck: I’m full of ranch garfon
Jan: I'm just, I'm gonna eat this all by myself?
C-53: It’s for you Jan, thats who it’s for
Jan: It’s for me
AJ: [gets up] We can split it if you want
C-53: AJ!
Pleck: Oh, you're awake now AJ?
Jan: Sure–
C-53: AJ no! No!
Jan: Would you want a little bite? I mean you can just have a little bite
[sound of AJ's helmet depressurizing]
AJ: I mean you did wanna wanna split it
Pleck: AJ! Please
Jan: Let's split it
C-53: AJ [smack sound] AJ! [second smack sound]
AJ: Ok, ok
[helmet back on]
AJ: No, eat it all yourself
[silverware sounds]
Jan: Oh my gosh, this is so good
Pleck: Uncross your arms AJ
Dar: Are you rolling your eyes?
AJ: How could you tell?
Jan: This is really great
Pleck: Jan, thank you for all that you do on this planet
Jan: No don't, I'm just a mom. At the end of the day I'm just a mom, the thanks, I don't need them
Pleck: You are a roddess
Jan: Laughs
Jan: I literally am
Pleck: Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
Jan: Thank you, I mean aren't all moms roddesses? I am actually a roddess and a mom but aren't we all?
Pleck: Yeah?
C-53: But you more so than most moms is what I’m gonna say
Pleck: Literally
Jan: All knowing
C-53: This planet literally would not exist; it would be a barren rock without you
Jan: That's right, Kirkland would not be here
Pleck: As a mom of so many people you sort of keep Kirkland in business as it were
Jan: Yeah, I definitely keep it in business, yeah. Dar how are you feeling
Dar: I mean…
Jan: Do you want some water? How much water have you had today
[sounds of a glass being grabbed and filled with water]
Dar: I should be drinking water?
Jan: Yes, you should be drinking 72 ounces of water a day
Pleck: Dar’s species drinks sand actually
Jan: Oh, well you need some sand
Dar: I guess I just hadn't thought about it. I just. Where's this all written down? Like where's the pamphlet?
Jan: I know
Dar: Or is it a book? Cause I don't really have time for a book
Jan: No...
Dar: Where could I synthesize this knowledge, could you, could I just live here? Could I just stay here and you could tell me how I'm supposed to do this?
C-53: Dar, we can't impose on Jan any more than we already have
Jan: Dar, I have all the answers, I know the future
Dar: Oh, thank roddess, let's hear it!
Jan: But I don't want to take away your journey. If I tell you everything, then you can't experience your journey in the moment. And that's what I've had to say to a lot of my children. Toad especially. You know, you're a reptile, you have to live in the lake with the other reptiles. You literally need the water to survive
C-53: Yeah, that's important
Jan: But you know Dar the thing is that, everyone is different. Every species is different
Dar: But my body, I’ve been told my body should look a certain way at this point
C-53: Dar where did you hear that
Dar: I follow a lot of different mom blogs
C-53: Oh Dar
Dar: A particularly opinionated mommy blogger believes that every gestating body should look a certain way and mine does not look that way so I’m, I’ve been freaking out a little bit
C-53: Dar that's not fair to you or-
Pleck: You don't even know what species the other parent is, you can't put those expectations on yourself
Dar: When you’re doing this alone, you just kinda get trapped in your own apparently very small head
Pleck: I get it
Dar: Very tiny
AJ: I get trapped in my helmet sometimes
Pleck: Thats, I think that's a different issue AJ
AJ: [shrug] I think maybe your head doesn't have the right pressure lock on right now. Yeah, sometimes the strap’s in the mechanism, are those on tight? Are your head straps on ok?
Pleck: AJ you-
C-53: [sarcastically] Yeah Dar, are your headstraps on ok?
Dar: Ok so it's fine, I'm actually fine
Jan: It's gonna be fine
Dar: We're fine
[squishy sounds]
Pleck: Dar your head is growing again!
Dar: Huh! I'm filling out
[voice back to normal]
Dar: Wow, I really honestly shouldn't have been worried. I was probably worrying myself into freaking out even more
Pleck: You know Jan, I hate to even ask you this but, I know you've got a lot going on on your planet
Jan: Not really
Pleck: No, you do
C-53: Seems like you do
Jan: Just as much as any mom has going on
Pleck: That's not really, it's a lot more
Jan: We’re all juggling a lot of balls in the air
C-53: Seems more balls than…
Pleck: It almost seems silly, but the rest of the galaxy is in danger
Jan: Who's in danger, Toad?
Pleck: The rest of the galaxy, the rest of the galaxy
Jan: What did he do? David? Did he eat?
Pleck: Every planet except this one
Jan: [tearing up] Josh?
Pleck: Josh he's gonna be fine
C-53: Josh seems like he's ok
Jan: So, who’s in trouble?
Pleck: Literally everyone else
Jan: Was it my fault? what did I do wrong
C-53: Jan no
Jan: [crying] What did I do?
Pleck: Jan, listen. There's an emperor. There's a new emperor and your name was on a list of dissidents
Jan: Yeah, the emperor, I'm very familiar with him, we met at a PTA meeting
C-53: Planetary teachers association
Jan: That's right. The emperor has, he's just pulled a lot of strings that have affected my children. they had some, you know all his kids got into PS-19
C-53: Famously good PS.
Pleck: Planetary school
Jan: Planetary school 19. Once they all got in, I couldn't get any of my kids in
Pleck: I'm so sorry
Jan: There were some auditions for some local community theater, and they were rigged. Yeah, his children, all his kids were the leading roles. And Toad for instance, who– listen, has a great voice.
C-53: I think that's obvious
Jan: Well, he was bunny number 2
Pleck: That’s--
Dar: Rude
C-53: That's not fair
Jan: In the chorus. I mean I cried. and he also, you know murdered his best friends and destroyed the rebellion
Pleck: That's sort of my big grievance with him
C-53: [simultaneously] yeah that's our grievance
Pleck: That's just my perspective. Listen, I hate to even ask you to do a single thing more than you're already doing.
Jan: I’m available
Pleck: Well ok, if there's anything you could give us, just with your sort of omniscience, kind of give us anything that would help us out in our battle against the emperor
Jan: Ok alright, I’m having my downtime. I am somewhat more relaxed [sighs] the kids are sleeping on this side of the planet
[voice gets slightly echoey]
Jan: Alright. I'm thinking and I'm seeing; I think it's a password?
C-53: Oh wow that would be tremendously useful, yes
Jan: Great, the password is BumpyRoad168
Pleck: Great
Jan: Uh capital B capital R. so capital B lowercase umpy capital R lowercase oad
C-53: [simultaneously] lowercase oad
Jan: One six eight
C-53: Wow
Jan: That's the password that you need
Pleck: Jan, thank you this is huge
Jan: Is it?
C-53: For us?
Jan: Stop, no, it's not a big deal
C-53: This is– honestly no one else could have done this
Pleck: also, can you tell us what Bargie did?
Jan: Yeah I, I don't feel comfortable actually repeating it
C-53: Not in front of the kids
Pleck: Ok sure
Jan: I don’t think it's something I-- [breathes in] oof. you know what I mean? oof
C-53: Yeah, ok sure
Pleck: That’s pretty much what we thought
Jan: Sometimes I wish I wasn't all knowing
Pleck: Gotcha
Jan: Just stay away from any horny doctors
Pleck: Uhhhh, ok, yeah
C-53: That's probably good advice
Jan: Just steer clear, and that's advice I give all my children
[Alarm goes off, same variation on the main theme]
Jan: Oh! ok, alright. ah that's the west side of the planet, I gotta go I got a lot of kids I have to get off to school.
C-53: Ok
Jan: It's pack your own lunch day, so I gotta make a lot of lunches, I gotta get everybody up, I gotta get everybody dressed. It's also I think it's crazy hair day so I gotta do everyone’s hair
Pleck: You gotta tell your kids who are in charge of these school days to give you a break
Jan: Well, you know it's spirit week [laughs] the kids have so much fun
C-53: Yeah, it’s a fun week
AJ: [with his helmet off] Spirit week rules!
Pleck: AJ!
[sounds of silverware on a plate]
Pleck: AJ stop eating her food!
AJ: But she's not eating it
Pleck: That is for her!
AJ: She's not eating it
Pleck: She's in the middle of talking
Jan: It's fine, has hungry, he might be really hungry. he might be going through a growth spurt
Pleck: AJ!
C-53: No, he's not
[transition music]
Pleck: Nermut, great news. The trip to Kirkland was a success!
Nermut: Wooo!
Pleck: We have incredibly valuable information in the form of a Zima prime membership password
Nermut: No way! oh man
C-53: Jan really came through, its apparently Jan
Nermut: Jan?
C-53: Not Yahn. Yeah, its Jan
Pleck: You should update that pronunciation
C-53: It's a hard J. Also, technically they have 9 million people who are willing to fight against the emperor
Nermut: Woah!
Pleck: We have sort of, I would say a suburban passive aggression behind us. if we need it
C-53: Also lots of huge bags of tortilla chips
[laughing]
Nermut: How big?
Pleck: And tubs of peanut butter filled pretzel bites
Nermut: Oh wow, how big a bag of chips are we talking?
Pleck: Bigger than you could ever get through before they went stale
Nermut: Are you saying like twice the size of the size that I'm imagining?
Pleck: Yes
Nermut: Woah!
Pleck: Easily
Nermut: That's so big!
Pleck: Let’s give it a shot
Nermut: Let’s try the password.
Pleck: here we go!
Nermut: Nubs crossed!]
Pleck: [sounding it out as he types] BumpyRoad168. Alright guys
[sound plays]
Pleck: Oh! we are in!!
C-53: Oh wow!
Bargie: Hold on I have to put my new script, my new sides onto every single monitor
[sound of screens turning on and changing]
Everyone: No! Bargie!
C-53: Bargie we’re sorta--
Bargie: It's very important. This time it's for the role of a person who once saw a person get eaten alive.
C-53: Wow
Bargie: You go first
Pleck: Bargie, we're sort of on the -
Bargie: You're playing the role of horny doctor
Pleck: Oh no, how many of these films are there?
C-53: Also, Bargie we received some very knowledgeable advice that you should avoid these pictures
Bargie: Who said that?
C-53: Jan, the oracle on Kirkland
Bargie: What does she know
C-53: She knows the future
Dar: She probably knows that horny doctors are out and it's all about horny lawyers now
Bargie: Oh, good cause that's for my next script
C-53: Ok, well maybe we just skip this one
AJ: I'll read with you, I can read with you
Pleck: Oh AJ...
AJ: Huh. O - b jection
Pleck: That was good!
C-53: Close!
AJ: [slowly] Your honor. I have an... er- ection. erection?
Bargie: Oh, I need to probably
C-53: Oh, horny lawyer. Yeah.
Bargie: Probably should mention, it's– my role has no lines so it's just all facial. This is a monologue
Pleck: Wait, facial?
Bargie: I mean it's all like-
AJ: All reaction shots
Bargie: It's all reaction shots
Pleck: Bargie you don't have a face!
Bargie: Really? look at me wink
[sound of something outside the ship clank]
Bargie: It's the Bargie wink!
Pleck: I heard that, but I’m not looking at whatever just winked
Bargie: Oh, my angry face! My angry face!
[thinking sounds]
Pleck: Yeah, I’m not seeing what's happening here
Bargie: My happy face
[more clanking sounds]
Pleck: I can hear things clanking outside the ship but I don't-
Bargie: The face of someone who during a financial bloom decided to deposit money into the wrong hands and then ended up probably going in so deep that she told like a bunch of people to assassinate the head of the cartel and it ended up kinda getting back, she never realized that murder is real. Anyways, that's his face
[sounds stop]
C-53: Bargie, that's just your regular face
Bargie: Yeah, so if you, it's just a monologue
AJ: Uhh, ok
[outro music plays]